Personal and Current Issue

Non-political, non-controversial post. Just need to use my blog as an ear to talk to about my life for a bit.

So if you're not interested in my first-world-problems, the day to read my blog is not today.

Christmas has always been an... exhausting time in my family.
Three Christmases with both sets of grandparents and the nuclear family with some hours of driving in between all three.

Wasn't too terrible though. Growing up, it really just meant more presents.
After the divorce, however, it meant negotiations and the addition of 8-12 extra hours of driving for various people. With my parents' inability to be cordial to each other, it meant I had to be the go-between for both parents on who would get me at what times, who would drive me where, and who would have to pick me up. Alternatively, during the time in which I had a car, it simply meant that I had to cover the extra slack to see everyone.
Additionally, being that my parents were now separated, each set of grandparents promptly stopped taking the other family's Christmas celebrations into consideration, dropping the additional convenience of synchronized schedules off the map.

You swing with the punches though, right?

Well, this year is just nice and complicated for me, so I'm stressing about it.

1. I don't have a car. Days, times, and locations are, therefore, not up to me. I'm not thrilled about following everyone else's schedule for 10 days.

2. I have a girlfriend that I really don't want to be away from for very long (read: more than two days at a time). I wouldn't under normal circumstances either, but this is the first time I've felt this close to someone and she's basically one of the only people keeping me sane right now because oh yeah

3. I'm still filled with goddamned overwhelming anxiety, paranoia, sadness, and spontaneous/wild mood swings. Without Jessica, I'll need to rely on myself to not be completely crazy. It's not necessarily that I doubt I can do this though. No no- I should be able to. The problem is that the thought of doing it on my own is anxiety-provoking. That's not something I want or need right now until I'm a little more comfortable.

4. My relationship with my dad is still in this super awkward place where I don't respect him as much as I probably should because I've only recently come to where I understand human motivation, thought, and action well at all, and my dad is a case that strikes me as really... Problematic. I love him, and he's tried to be in our lives and interested in our hobbies as much as possible, but he was never much of a father figure or a husband figure (given my current romantic position, having a responsible husband-figure in my life would have been great, because I'm basically having to learn all of this as I go). Furthermore, his great hobby (read: obsession) is sports, something that I don't connect with at all, while my brothers do, so it's hard for me to talk to him about anything without it slowly turning into an awkward silence.
Add onto that the fact that I moved in with my mom and had her pay for my schooling and watch me grow up through early adulthood while my brothers were living with my dad, and you have a formula where I'm not very connected to my father, I don't look up to him in many ways, and we haven't been very involved in each others' lives.

I love him, but I don't like him a whole lot. And he wants to spend as much time with me as possible over Christmas.

Now, I empathize with that. I get that he doesn't get much time at all with me and I'm his offspring and his life has come to that point where he doesn't have a whole lot going on except his hobbies, his job, and his kids. I understand that putting our relationship second, while not painful for me, is painful for him.

But I'm in a place in my life where I need to respect the people I'm around. And I don't want to miss any time with my brother with whom I have a far more meaningful connection. My priorities, at this stage in life, don't match up at all with his and we share very little.
Normally, I'd be pretty good about getting it over with anyway, but with all my stress piling on right now, I don't want to be in an environment where I feel awkward and uneasy. I can barely remain stable in environments where I'm totally comfortable as it is.

5. I share virtually nothing with any of my other relatives, and I really don't want to see any of them this year (except the only relatives that probably won't show up anyway). No, there aren't many Christmases left for my grandparents, and yes, it's important that I see them as much as I can. And I'm fine with that, but like the last point- not this year. I don't have the energy to spend on this.


Right now, the plan is for me to go from:
1. My apartment to my mom's for four days leading up to the 21st/22nd.
2. Mom's house to dad's (our relatives in Ohio)
3. Dad's (relatives in Ohio) to Mom's (relatives in Ohio)
4. Mom's (relatives in Ohio) to dad's house in Michigan.
5. Dad's house in Michigan back to Mom's.
6. Mom's back to my apartment.
Spanning a total of 14 days counting the time leading up to the 21st.

Here's what I would do if I had 100% control of time and space.

Spend two days with my mom (23-24).
Spend a day with my dad (25).
Spend two days with my brother (26-27).
Come home.

Since I'll be doing 0 of the driving, it's actually a bit of a surprise that everything worked out for the actual plan.
And a big part of me wanted it all to crumble so that I could have an excuse to not put myself out there this year.

Ugh, I feel like Charlie Brown right now.


(Sorry for making my blog posts all out of order this week. The only one posted on the correct day was Wednesday's...)

-
Wade