I'm feeling pretty good. I'm feeling like I have some control right now, and I think doing some writing will help.
SO, I figure I'll jump in on the topic I wanted to post about right around the time I left- pedophilia, and sexuality in general.
To anyone who's followed this blog, you know I browse reddit. A lot of times the middle class white male college educated, liberally-leaning perspective is just nice to be around.
Other times, it sucks. Big time.
The topic of pedophilia comes up every once in a while on reddit. Someone will do an AMA (interview where anyone can ask questions) about how their spouse sexually abused their child, or occasionally, you'll see someone who actually has pedophilic desires do an AMA. The pure amount of animosity and general ignorance on the topic is just upsetting.
Let's start with the obvious statements:
1. I understand that touching children is wrong. Agency to commit and consent to complicated actions like that is not something children have. They can't be held accountable to contracts, they're tried different from adults in court, they're not capable of giving consent (except under specific circumstances), and they aren't allowed to be released from parental custody unless, again, specific circumstances are met. Point is- it's wrong to try to force that responsibility of agency onto them when they're not ready, and it's equally wrong to take the agency they have away from them.
No one is arguing otherwise. That's the first step to approaching this discussion.
2. No one is excusing their behavior. When you act on your impulses, you deserve the consequences, regardless of what they are. What this discussion aims to do is explain behavior and, more particularly, desires.
So starting this discussion, you may be uncomfortable with the idea of someone sexually wanting a child. It's not a comfortable thought- but here's a little exercise:
If you're reading this, chances are, you're a friend of mine and you're probably willing to agree that homosexuality is acceptable and more importantly, natural. The desire for another person of the same sex is natural in its own right. Now, are you interested in skinny guys or Muscles McGoo? Do you like dark hair or lighter hair? Do you want him to be protective or do you want him to respect your sense of individual ability? How about the sex? Do you have a preferred position? Is there something a woman can do that just turns you on? Is there just a thought that turns you on? Do you have any fetishes? Do you like light bondage? How about toys? Do you have any roleplay fantasies?
Now let me ask you this-- Could you change those preferences or desires? Would you change them?
Your answers to these questions are subjective across each person. But the essence of it is that your preferences and desires are not something you choose. It's more likely that you stumbled into them through personal exploration, sexual or otherwise, and you started going back to them when you liked what you found.
That is the heart of a fetish or a philia. In the case of pedophilia, we're dealing with a fetish that is socially, legally, and personally unacceptable. No one will talk to you about it, you're labeled as a monster even if you've never done anything, and the worst of it is that you can't change it no matter how much you want to.
To those of you who've had sex or some sort of sexual interaction that was meaningful- how would it feel to know that you could never have the kind of sexual interaction that you wanted. Ever? Imagine up the best sexual situation you can think of. The most romantic, the most passionate, the hottest- whatever you want. Now really get into that. Own it. Want it.
Now imagine it was literally impossible to do without hurting your partner.
Imagine you could never have a consenting partner. You could never do this with someone you loved.
You can never be proud of it. You can never own it. You could go to jail for it (for some older readers, they may have faced something like this in their lifetime).
Take that feeling you have. That sinking, depressing, awful feeling and put that onto every single person with pedophilic urges.
It's a situation to be pitied, not hated. They can never experience what many of us can daily or weekly or monthly. And they don't even have the social support structure to deal with those feelings.
If you're feeling sexually frustrated, you have friends who can and will listen and empathize. Imagine not being able to say anything to anyone ever. Even if you knew someone who wouldn't judge you, imagine the social stigma about the topic- the shame you feel just thinking about it. Why would you want to bring it up? You wouldn't feel comfortable with it even IF you trusted that person not to flip out and call the police on you.
This was one more roll of the genetic dice that you happened to get lucky on.
Not something you willfully did to "be a better person."
Another thing- Have you ever been uncomfortable with something about yourself? (Preferably something you can't change, but it's somewhat relevant even if it was something you could change)
Doesn't that suck? To look at yourself in the mirror and to be unhappy? To hate yourself? To be so ashamed of who or what you are that you want to die? I'm sure a lot of us have been there.
Has someone ever tried to pressure you into changing? Has someone ever made you feel as though it was imperative to make that change? Have relationships or friendships hinged on that change? Even if you couldn't actually do it?
We have to learn to accept and cope with what we have. If we can change the things we dislike, that's part of coping- but if we can't, then we have to cope another way. You can't will away the gay. You can't pray away your "unclean" lusts. You can't trick yourself into not being who you are or attracted to what you are. You just have to cope with it.
And that coping process is a helluva lot easier if you don't have idiots sticking their nose in your face and telling you how you ought to be all day.
Just try to empathize with what someone with pedophilic urges is going through. Maybe if society was better about helping people cope, we wouldn't have so many goddamn actual pedophiles sitting around in prison after no one was around to help them through their shitty situation.
Take this post and replace the current issue with any other issue of gender or sexuality or identity, and you're pretty much set.
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Wads
DISCLAIMER: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT TAKE THIS TO MEAN I CONDONE OR ACCEPT THE AWFUL ACTIONS TAKEN BY PEOPLE IN THIS SITUATION. I DO NOT.
