I'm feeling pretty good. I'm feeling like I have some control right now, and I think doing some writing will help.
SO, I figure I'll jump in on the topic I wanted to post about right around the time I left- pedophilia, and sexuality in general.
To anyone who's followed this blog, you know I browse reddit. A lot of times the middle class white male college educated, liberally-leaning perspective is just nice to be around.
Other times, it sucks. Big time.
The topic of pedophilia comes up every once in a while on reddit. Someone will do an AMA (interview where anyone can ask questions) about how their spouse sexually abused their child, or occasionally, you'll see someone who actually has pedophilic desires do an AMA. The pure amount of animosity and general ignorance on the topic is just upsetting.
Let's start with the obvious statements:
1. I understand that touching children is wrong. Agency to commit and consent to complicated actions like that is not something children have. They can't be held accountable to contracts, they're tried different from adults in court, they're not capable of giving consent (except under specific circumstances), and they aren't allowed to be released from parental custody unless, again, specific circumstances are met. Point is- it's wrong to try to force that responsibility of agency onto them when they're not ready, and it's equally wrong to take the agency they have away from them.
No one is arguing otherwise. That's the first step to approaching this discussion.
2. No one is excusing their behavior. When you act on your impulses, you deserve the consequences, regardless of what they are. What this discussion aims to do is explain behavior and, more particularly, desires.
So starting this discussion, you may be uncomfortable with the idea of someone sexually wanting a child. It's not a comfortable thought- but here's a little exercise:
If you're reading this, chances are, you're a friend of mine and you're probably willing to agree that homosexuality is acceptable and more importantly, natural. The desire for another person of the same sex is natural in its own right. Now, are you interested in skinny guys or Muscles McGoo? Do you like dark hair or lighter hair? Do you want him to be protective or do you want him to respect your sense of individual ability? How about the sex? Do you have a preferred position? Is there something a woman can do that just turns you on? Is there just a thought that turns you on? Do you have any fetishes? Do you like light bondage? How about toys? Do you have any roleplay fantasies?
Now let me ask you this-- Could you change those preferences or desires? Would you change them?
Your answers to these questions are subjective across each person. But the essence of it is that your preferences and desires are not something you choose. It's more likely that you stumbled into them through personal exploration, sexual or otherwise, and you started going back to them when you liked what you found.
That is the heart of a fetish or a philia. In the case of pedophilia, we're dealing with a fetish that is socially, legally, and personally unacceptable. No one will talk to you about it, you're labeled as a monster even if you've never done anything, and the worst of it is that you can't change it no matter how much you want to.
To those of you who've had sex or some sort of sexual interaction that was meaningful- how would it feel to know that you could never have the kind of sexual interaction that you wanted. Ever? Imagine up the best sexual situation you can think of. The most romantic, the most passionate, the hottest- whatever you want. Now really get into that. Own it. Want it.
Now imagine it was literally impossible to do without hurting your partner.
Imagine you could never have a consenting partner. You could never do this with someone you loved.
You can never be proud of it. You can never own it. You could go to jail for it (for some older readers, they may have faced something like this in their lifetime).
Take that feeling you have. That sinking, depressing, awful feeling and put that onto every single person with pedophilic urges.
It's a situation to be pitied, not hated. They can never experience what many of us can daily or weekly or monthly. And they don't even have the social support structure to deal with those feelings.
If you're feeling sexually frustrated, you have friends who can and will listen and empathize. Imagine not being able to say anything to anyone ever. Even if you knew someone who wouldn't judge you, imagine the social stigma about the topic- the shame you feel just thinking about it. Why would you want to bring it up? You wouldn't feel comfortable with it even IF you trusted that person not to flip out and call the police on you.
This was one more roll of the genetic dice that you happened to get lucky on.
Not something you willfully did to "be a better person."
Another thing- Have you ever been uncomfortable with something about yourself? (Preferably something you can't change, but it's somewhat relevant even if it was something you could change)
Doesn't that suck? To look at yourself in the mirror and to be unhappy? To hate yourself? To be so ashamed of who or what you are that you want to die? I'm sure a lot of us have been there.
Has someone ever tried to pressure you into changing? Has someone ever made you feel as though it was imperative to make that change? Have relationships or friendships hinged on that change? Even if you couldn't actually do it?
We have to learn to accept and cope with what we have. If we can change the things we dislike, that's part of coping- but if we can't, then we have to cope another way. You can't will away the gay. You can't pray away your "unclean" lusts. You can't trick yourself into not being who you are or attracted to what you are. You just have to cope with it.
And that coping process is a helluva lot easier if you don't have idiots sticking their nose in your face and telling you how you ought to be all day.
Just try to empathize with what someone with pedophilic urges is going through. Maybe if society was better about helping people cope, we wouldn't have so many goddamn actual pedophiles sitting around in prison after no one was around to help them through their shitty situation.
Take this post and replace the current issue with any other issue of gender or sexuality or identity, and you're pretty much set.
-
Wads
DISCLAIMER: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT TAKE THIS TO MEAN I CONDONE OR ACCEPT THE AWFUL ACTIONS TAKEN BY PEOPLE IN THIS SITUATION. I DO NOT.
I almost completely agree with you. I would feel sympathy for those with the desire, who resist taking advantage of a younger individual. When I say this, I don’t mean the legal definition including 18 yr old, but generally prepubescent individuals as more frequently referred to when discussing pedophilia in psychology. I admit, the definition is quite broad, and it is generally agreed the exact cause for pedophilia is yet unknown. No genetic cause has yet been found. Of course that was an argument conservative used against gay males for decades, and the like has finally been located for that population. I understand such a like could be discovered.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, the prevalence of pedophiles is greater in the male population than the female. The same is true for rapists. Some psychologists believe both desires are often founded by the desire to dominate. A child, being helpless to understand the extent of the act, and generally trusting those who are responsible for them, are a prime target. While this may be an intense emotional desire, so could a torturer become aroused in his/her task, a dictator abuse his/ her power, or a wealthy businessman continuously raise his/ her salary while squelching the poor. Each likely know the actions are wrong, but find enough satisfaction from it to take advantage. Unless individuals resist such actions, I will not think fondly of them, or likely pity them. The desire to control others may be strong, but unless a person is a psychopath, they should understand the consequences of their actions.
Thus, when an individual resists the urge to take advantage of the helpless, be it a child, the cognitively impaired, an intoxicated patron of a bar, ect, I can applaud them, even pity them, if indeed it were their greatest biological/ psychological desire. The problem is, individuals are not labeled as pedophiles for resisting the actions. They are labeled as pedophiles for taking advantage of another person. It may be ones greatest desire, but desires do not deem something all right. Sympathy may be in order, but not excuses.
A person may feel sympathy that psychopath may never find love. If a pedophilia is as much of a biological disorder as the first, sympathy should also be given. But if a psychopath turns to murder, or a pedophile turns to raping children, that sympathy is almost void, since they no-longer tried to resist. They gave up on trying to be decent to fellow man, and decided to take advantage of those around them.
Sorry if I rambled slightly. I liked your blog post, VERY controversial. I think the idea behind it is accurate. Sympathy is in order, especially when the desire is an uncontrollable and especially… fervent… love for children. The problem is, that is not always the cause. Even when it is, sex with a child, like you said couldn’t be completely consensual if the child does not really understand what is happening, or the significance of it. So, for those whose desires are purely biological, I agree to an extent. However, desires and actions fall in deferent realms. A person is seldom labeled as a pedophile, rapist, ect by thinking about such actions, but rather, by giving into them.
You raise some interesting points in this response, and there is definitely an element of control that is desirable in certain situations.
ReplyDeleteIt falls under a different realm of fetishism, but getting gratification from being in control of another human being's sexuality is definitely a thing that exists. Whether the gratification is explicitly sexual or not is not my area of study, though a fascinating question.
However, I think it differs somewhat between rapists and child molesters (though I could simply be missing some pertinent data)- The main citation I have for that is the existence of child pornography that is not abusive/controlling in the nature of its imagery. Knowing that this kind of pornography exists, it seems to be a bit more likely that pedophilia is more of a strictly sexual fetish. Again, I hesitate to say this, since I may simply be missing the data that contradicts me.
As for the prevalence of it in men, I attribute that to the fact that society represses sexuality in women in general. If we lived in a society in which women and men were equally sexually free, I think we'd see a lot more fetishism out of women. Now, I don't actually know if sexuality towards children would be included in that- it might legitimately be a male-centric phenomenon. It's possible that there's something about being biologically capable of creating children that makes women less likely to think of them as sexual objects.
The topic gets muddied when we remind ourselves the role society's push and pull has played on how we enact and think about our sexuality as individuals. It's really hard to move forward in that reasoning with a control group or something. =(
Like I said, I dont think ALL pedophiles find children of interest merely out of the need to dominate. The consideration must be made, however, the fetish may be derived as much from that desire, as attraction to a child-like form. It would be difficult to differentiate what the individual was aroused by.
ReplyDeleteAs far as women being sexually repressed, I agree. In ways both genders are sexually repressed. Research has also shown women t think about sex less than men, and to be more selective about their partners. It is thought this is likely due to female biology, and the desire to have someone why could care for the child. Of course sexuality varies between individuals as well as within sexes, but as a whole it seems very difficult to accurately compare male and female sexuality. In research, while some women like porn, there is also a number who do not. That number in males is significantly lower. So, I dont know if the prevalence of pedophilia in males would be greater than females, however you're right in saying it makes less biological sense for females as a population whole.
But disregarding all that, I think the main point was the idea of control. Be it male or female, whatever his/ her desires, being able to repress it for fellow man (if undesired, or unkind) is known as compassion. By overstepping that boundary, to satisfy oneself w/ harm to another, is cruel.
Until that point is reached, sympathy for repressed innate desires is fully understandable. Good talk :) I enjoy intriguing discussions with you. It's refreshing having logical and honest discussions on very controversial topics.