My fingers look like they've been run through a wood chipper, but if that's the worst to come out of this descent, I'll take it.
My mood has picked up quite sharply, and the feelings of doom and gloom are vanishing with the rain. (Normally, rain makes me feel good, so I'm not sure what this is about)
Suicidal ideation was there, but brief.
I'm sorry to anyone who may have worried about me. This crap is still new to me since the medications are doing weird and unpredictable things to me. I appreciate your support and concern, and if I don't voice that appreciation enough, it's because I'm a butt.
We're gonna' take this one step at a time, and be careful and cognizant for a little while.
*deep breath*
We got this.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Why Are You Singing?
A sad, sorrowful song, built of one part guilt, two parts helplessness, and three parts pity.
You sing it because I cannot let go. You sing it because you are aware of the black hole that is my mind, refusing to release even the smallest idea from its clutches.
You sing it because logic has failed and reason has not shifted the powerful pull.
You sing it because you want me to get better.
So why can't I?
Why won't I?
You sing it because you didn't want to get trapped here with me.
You sing it because our brief time knowing each other showed signs of wounds too deep to contend with.
You sing it because it would be a nice place if it wasn't so destructive.
You sing it because you don't know what else to do.
You sing with all your heart, hoping that some part of it will actually hit home.
Each one of you sings it because you want to appeal to the part of me that's still human.
I'm hearing the song...
But will I listen to it?
http://www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/410071
Or maybe I'm being too self-centered. Perhaps I'm simply a stubborn stain on the wall that refuses to clean up. A blemish that will not leave. There are no songs. No focus. Just exasperated sighs when the problem does not go away.
Either way, here I stay unwilling to rest for anyone's sake, including my own.
You sing it because I cannot let go. You sing it because you are aware of the black hole that is my mind, refusing to release even the smallest idea from its clutches.
You sing it because logic has failed and reason has not shifted the powerful pull.
You sing it because you want me to get better.
So why can't I?
Why won't I?
You sing it because you didn't want to get trapped here with me.
You sing it because our brief time knowing each other showed signs of wounds too deep to contend with.
You sing it because it would be a nice place if it wasn't so destructive.
You sing it because you don't know what else to do.
You sing with all your heart, hoping that some part of it will actually hit home.
Each one of you sings it because you want to appeal to the part of me that's still human.
I'm hearing the song...
But will I listen to it?
http://www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/410071
Or maybe I'm being too self-centered. Perhaps I'm simply a stubborn stain on the wall that refuses to clean up. A blemish that will not leave. There are no songs. No focus. Just exasperated sighs when the problem does not go away.
Either way, here I stay unwilling to rest for anyone's sake, including my own.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Fractured
Even as the sun beams and breaks the cold,
Winter's bane, the herald of warmth...
I find myself torn; cracked; fractured.
And while I am frail, I am not shattered.
Every move is one closer to being alone,
No longer walking tired together.
I have been sinking; slowing; folding.
And while I am plagued, I am not stopping.
Each day is new step forward,
But several stumbles backward.
I had been tall; excited; engaged.
And while I have tried, I am not cleansed.
Earth will always keep moving,
Though I feel it is ceasing.
I was flying; healing; living.
And while I have cried, I am not defeated.
It's been a while since I've had a nasty depressive bout, but this one's hurting pretty badly. I can't tell how much of it is the reduced SSRI intake versus my natural low for the month, or something else entirely. But I'm finding myself a bit more apathetic and lazy lately. I don't care as much, I don't want to be around people as much. And yet, I'm more lonely and struggling more every day.
I'm less certain, second-guessing my philosophies, my decisions, and who I am. How I present myself to the people I care about. What I think about my own progress. I'm more scared, less satisfied, and I genuinely try to understand the positions that it seems people are frustrated with me about. But I don't have the capacity to properly empathize with many frames of mind without attributing them to something as fallacious as blind passion.
Everyone seems to be going their own way, but new paths of others don't appear to be coinciding with mine. I am losing connections, but not gaining as many. My confidence is thinning as a result of all of this along with my lack of romance.
My chest feels tight again.
My heart hurts.
I'm just... scared, you know? I'm worried. And I can't calm myself down enough to shoo away these ethereal booguns hiding in my head. Tired, breathless, helpless, slowing down, wary of my body's weaknesses, wary that I'm not as smart as I'd like to be. That my argumentation hurts people.
This guilt might be the height of first world problems. These conflicting thoughts and ideologies are destructive all the same, and I don't know quite what to do or how to feel.
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