Fractured

Even as the sun beams and breaks the cold,
Winter's bane, the herald of warmth...
I find myself torn; cracked; fractured.
And while I am frail, I am not shattered.

Every move is one closer to being alone,
No longer walking tired together.
I have been sinking; slowing; folding.
And while I am plagued, I am not stopping.

Each day is new step forward,
But several stumbles backward.
I had been tall; excited; engaged.
And while I have tried, I am not cleansed.

Earth will always keep moving,
Though I feel it is ceasing.
I was flying; healing; living.
And while I have cried, I am not defeated.




It's been a while since I've had a nasty depressive bout, but this one's hurting pretty badly. I can't tell how much of it is the reduced SSRI intake versus my natural low for the month, or something else entirely. But I'm finding myself a bit more apathetic and lazy lately. I don't care as much, I don't want to be around people as much. And yet, I'm more lonely and struggling more every day.
I'm less certain, second-guessing my philosophies, my decisions, and who I am. How I present myself to the people I care about. What I think about my own progress. I'm more scared, less satisfied, and I genuinely try to understand the positions that it seems people are frustrated with me about. But I don't have the capacity to properly empathize with many frames of mind without attributing them to something as fallacious as blind passion.

Everyone seems to be going their own way, but new paths of others don't appear to be coinciding with mine. I am losing connections, but not gaining as many. My confidence is thinning as a result of all of this along with my lack of romance.
My chest feels tight again.
My heart hurts.

I'm just... scared, you know? I'm worried. And I can't calm myself down enough to shoo away these ethereal booguns hiding in my head. Tired, breathless, helpless, slowing down, wary of my body's weaknesses, wary that I'm not as smart as I'd like to be. That my argumentation hurts people.
This guilt might be the height of first world problems. These conflicting thoughts and ideologies are destructive all the same, and I don't know quite what to do or how to feel.