Serenity

There’s a serene moment in your pathology when you decide (for a third time) that you do not want to be alive. Not necessarily that you want to cause yourself harm. For many of us, that is not an easy task- I’m talking about that feeling where, at best, you want simply to not exist. At worst, you want something to unexpectedly end your life for you.

This moment is a catalyst. It’s the moment where everything in your life loses vibrancy. Where everything becomes its most hopeless.

This experience is made undeniably more powerful and destructive when your pathology has convinced you not to seek help from others. You’ve been convinced that you’ll be seen as “whining.” You’ve done this one too many times, so you’re sure everyone’s sick of it and you. But some small part of you obviously wants to keep going. Some part of you wants help and wants to get those feelings out there, because here you are, describing your turmoil in a blog post that you don’t intend to show anyone- but you know a few people will see anyway. On some level, you want someone to rescue you, but you don’t know who or how.

You’ve convinced yourself that no one cares anymore- not even you. So, you have all these friends. You have a therapist, a loving family. And somewhere along the lines, all of that has lost its meaning because you’ve convinced yourself that you’re broken. Damaged goods. When it happens once, it might just be a one-off problem. Twice is a cause for concern, but three times signifies a problem that is consistent and not going away. At that point, the inefficacy of prior methods starts to weigh on you. The crushing reality that this may last forever settles in. And you decide you just don’t have it in you to fight against it for the rest of your life. So, you want out.

There’s a serene moment in your pathology when every single facet of your life seems completely bogged with stress. Where even the best aspects of your life are fraught with troubles. Where all these stressors coalesce into a single atomic stress bomb that shatters what hope you have left- shatters your zest for life. Where everything looks significantly more mauve than it once did.

The irony with this statement is that the phenomenon doesn’t feel like a bomb- in fact, it feels like a dud. A spark that just fizzles. An immense event was supposed to happen, but instead, the electric air just stagnates before sinking back into the earth. Everything just appears to simply stop. Something was supposed to happen. Your entire world was building up and building up. You spent twenty years training and preparing for this thing called “life.” When you get there, there’s this huge heavy feeling in the air- like a deep breath you’ve been holding for just the right amount of time. But then… nothing. It was a sham. A trick- a charade- a con. You weren’t being prepared for your life, you were being prepared for a life someone else wanted you to have. And not someone who has your interests in mind.

You hold onto the breath for a few more seconds. Just a little too long. Hoping that something… happens. Still nothing. Holding out is beginning to hurt, so you let go. Still nothing. You’re light-headed and faced with the cruel reality that life is nothing more than a joke without a punch-line. Everyone around you drifts to settle in to their life that appears so mediocre to you. You wonder, “How can they possibly be content?” Is there a secret? Are there simple pleasures that you’re incapable of enjoying? Or are they using an escape, hiding from their own feelings?

There’s a serene moment in your pathology when you realize that you’re going through the motions in the blind and desperate hope that some meaning comes to you so that you can prove your life hasn’t been a waste. But it doesn’t come. You keep going and your despair rises. Every time a friend leaves you. Every time your job looks like it might not hold out. Every fight you have with your girlfriend. Every time someone legitimately thinks you’re a bad person.

There’s a serene moment in your pathology when you, a pacifist, are actively considering the purchase of a firearm. Not for any reason other than to keep it under your pillow at night for the day that you finally give up. For the time where you decide that you have the courage to make a meaningful stand for yourself, since nothing else seems to be working to those ends. For when you’re tired and you want to go to sleep without having to worry about what happens when you wake up.

There’s a serene moment in your pathology…