I learned a lot outside of relationships too, so I'm including 5 non-relationship romantic pursuits and a respective lesson from each one. I'll list them chronologically just in case it betrays something about the progress of human learning in general.
1. Speak up. Good lesson to learn early, but if you never say something about how you feel, the other person will never know. They can't read your mind. Communicate. This goes for crushing on someone all the way through the end of the relationship.
It was elementary school through middle school, so obviously not the height of maturity, but it was still a lesson well-learned, spending five years childishly flirting with the same person, but never saying anything outright, only to find out one day that they moved on. The idea extends through all walks of life though- when you feel strongly about something, say it. You cannot forgo your emotional/mental health- it builds up and destroys you slowly.
2. Some love never goes the way you want it; you have to accept when someone can't or doesn't want to be with you.
More middle school romance. Sometimes the feelings last a lot longer, but you should consider yourself lucky to wind up with a good friend for life, even if you were looking for a partner for life.
3. Relationships are different from standard friendships. Whether you see it coming or not, you'll have expectations and they'll have expectations- all of which will deviate some from the standard friendship expectations in some regard.
High school romances are, I'm sure, awkward for most of everyone. My first relationship, she wanted something different out of a relationship than me. The expectations were new and difficult to navigate, so we both became awkward and shut things down.
4. Don't ever use another human as a means to an end.
Being lonely is no excuse for enjoying another person's affections when you only half-heartedly return them. Everyone deserves to be treated as their own end- a human being.
4.5. Don't allow another person to be your consolation prize.
This is super related to #4, but I am cheating by including two lessons in one relationship. Everyone also deserves to be treated like they're the most important person in the world to someone. If you "settle" for someone and you treat the relationship like a settlement, then there's spite, guilt, unhappiness, and jealousy already sewn into the relationship from the beginning. Everyone ought to be treated as a 1st place prize to someone. Whether you marry for passion, stability, fun, love, or whatever- make sure that you're picking that person, not begrudgingly accepting them.
I was young, dumb, and infatuated with someone who was interested in someone else. A friend saw my grief and moved closer to me. We had a lot of fun and there was a good dynamic between us, but I sabotaged it from the moment it started, since I was settling for her. (The irony is that I think, looking back on it, I would have liked her more if I'd had a clear head on)
5. Don't sacrifice your core values for your partner (unless you want to sacrifice them).
Sacrifice- give and take- super important, don't get me wrong. But your core values? I dated a smoker despite knowing that I couldn't stand the stuff. I put too much stock into my ability to ignore those important values in order to pursue romance. It didn't work (and I'm glad it didn't).
6. Don't wait for someone's problems to solve themselves (and don't try to fix them yourself).
The first of three failed or noncommital romantic ventures around the same time period. If they're trying to do right by you and grow/learn/fix themselves, that's one thing, but empty platitudes are cheap to hand out. Don't get caught mistaking them for actual currency. "This would be great if they weren't broken in this one huge way!" I'm sure someone has thought that about me before as I've thought it about at least one person before. It's not wise to wait for that huge problem to just... disappear. You can do it, but unless they're showing good evidence of trying to solve it, it's probably time to move on.
7. Don't forget what infatuation can make you do.
The second venture of the three. Liking someone a lot can persuade you to do stupid things. Sometimes these things are good and simply show your feelings on your sleeve. In my case, making a longish drive every weekend I was able to- just to see someone smile for a few hours. But, it's good to remember that infatuation can make you do bad stupid things as well. Just... be aware of what you're doing in the name of your heart flutters.
8. Don't forget to have fun. All the time.
The last one- a fling I very much enjoyed in its simple pursuit of fun. Don't forget in all the seriousness that is life to have fun with the one person you like being around most. Simple, unadulterated fun. The things that make you giggle, poke, and prod each other. Smile. Each and every day.
9. If one person's not in it all the way, then they're not in it.
First college relationship- if either of you isn't willing to push into the adventure, then it's not gonna' happen. Let it go until the point if/when you're both ready/willing.
10. Figure out what you can and can't live with about your partner.
Second college relationship- Learn what quirks about your partner you don't like. Which can you deal with and which can't you deal with? Are any of them core aspects of their personality that can't be changed? If so, it may be a doomed relationship. Which leads to;
10.5. Don't let it drag on.
If you've already decided to end things, don't put it off. It's disrespectful, hurtful, and immature. Again, I'm cheating and putting two lessons for one relationship. Come at me!
11. Don't allow another person to be your consolation prize.
Fuck, why did I have to learn this lesson twice? God, I'm dumb and terrible sometimes.
12. Love is a choice.
My most recent relationship. I've seen this idea tossed around a bit, and I think it really hits its mark. Love is the choice to forgive. Love is the choice to hear and be heard. Love is the choice to share the bad times together in an effort to address them as a team. Love is the choice to compromise- the choice to hear what you do that bothers them and then fix it. Love is the choice to stay together, even when it's easy not to.
13. Keep yourself grounded.
Falling crazy hard for someone can be a lot of fun- it's exciting, fluttery, adrenaline-pumping, and you're thinking about the things that could be. It's fun, but keep a foot on the ground. If you don't, you pick up speed and you don't have the control to stop yourself or the control to avoid causing damage. For my part, my over-zealous nature hurt me and scared her. Keep yourself based in reality and the here-and-now. Keep a level head about your infatuation (but don't give up the spark). This may not have been a relationship, but it was definitely a lesson that I needed.
Honorable Mention: Don't let yourself be used.
No single instance, but several pseudo-romantic situations have reminded me individually that you should never give someone that kind of control over you. Don't seek approval by doing their bidding; you'll never get what you're looking for, and you'll just become a tool to be used and discarded. You're more than that. Everyone is more than that.
There are a hundred more lessons I learned, but I tried to keep everything to one core theme. Just trying to get some thoughts out there, you know? Maybe it'll help someone else one day.
ADDENDUM
I thought about it a bit, and while this was primarily a way to categorize my thoughts, it's entirely possible a few people involved in the above romantic endeavors will read this. I think for the vast majority of these cases, I did something stupid and/or hurtful to bring the relationship to an end, and I would like to stress that while I think I'm learning lessons, it shouldn't be at the expense of the happiness of others. So to anyone who has been involved with me, I do want to apologize. I'm growing, little by little, but I'm sure I've left painful marks on the history of many of you. You have always and will always deserve better than that. I hope you have found a more fitting partnership, and thank you for being an important part of my life and my growing experience.
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