It's been a while, and I really wish my next blog post would have been under more pleasant circumstances. Instead, I've spiraled to a new low, which is fabulous.
This summer has played hell on my psychological and emotional state in a number of ways, but the worst of it is blossoming right now. Except instead of a gorgeous flower, it's a hideous 3-headed spider the likes of which only demons dream. [Picture not included]
I've been struggling with a lot of damage over the past year, finding it difficult to center myself and solve my problems due to the completely bleak outlook I have on the future. Fortunately, up until this point, I had a wonderful and supportive girlfriend who was there to help me balance, giving me the gift of her presence to calm me down around once a week. Despite this positive factor in my life, I also struggled with trying to grow the relationship into something I could see being a part of my life for many years to come.
I bit more than I could chew with that decision. The added stress was something more to obsess over, furthering my downward spiral, while simultaneously failing miserably to actually solve any problems. Looking back, I should maybe have made it a more relaxed relationship without as many serious undertones. Instead, I ran too fast and too far into something when I had too many other problems to deal with. Regardless, what's done is done. My various psychological problems led me down a twisted road where my girlfriend felt unappreciated and untrusted- justifiably so- I have not been in an adequate place to give her what she deserves. The end result is that she's too stressed to deal with me at all. So, we took a break. Unfortunately, I didn't realize what kind of problems that would incite in my brain, and as it turns out, uncertainty is the dull blade by which I am now being stabbed.
The problems created and the damage caused may be permanent by this point. In any case, what I need and she needs are inextricably different. I need closure and/or someone who is here for me in the worst time of my life. She needs for me not to be there. As a result, I am plagued by a lack of options beyond cutting ties. Of course, I have the constant desire to talk about this with her, but I cannot, which is possibly the most frustrating and hurtful part of this.
I realize the selfishness on both sides, of course, but I cannot help but have the crushing feeling that she has abandoned me (and by association, our relationship) to the wolves when I tripped in the interest of saving herself from a similar fate***. Whether or not this is how she sees it or how she intended or feels herself is not something I can know (it is for this reason I'm making a blog post at all. I just have to get this out or I'm going to actual-facts explode into a number of depressingly shaded ribbons)
I don't blame her for her choices, though. I understand them- and I know that it's my own failings that caused the situation to arise in the first place. Realistically, this simply never should have happened. For that, and a countless other reasons, I feel tremendous guilt and sorrow, which is only furthered by my writing this post.
Part of my pain is in not understanding the perspective of one who needs to sever contact for weeks in order to heal. I find myself unable to avoid thinking about her constantly, worrying about what I've done and whether or not she is even interested in keeping the relationship alive. Is it really so easy to cut off thoughts like that for her? And do I even want to be in a relationship where my partner doesn't even want to think about me if that's the case?
And again, this would all be something to ask directly-- if only I could. And it's that uncertainty and the inability to have an open discussion that's currently destroying my brain and body. I've talked her into what may theoretically be one last visit this week as a compromise, but she's already expressed the desire for it to not be stressful, so what can I do? I have to sit on these fears, ideas, and emotions even though she'll be right there. Even if I was sure I wanted to break up with her, would I justifiably be able to do it while she's here? But, of course, I don't know if I want to. I haven't a goddamned clue, and it's impossible for me to figure it out until she deigns to say that we can communicate about our relationship again.
I wish I could be mad at her, but I can see myself doing the same thing in that position. Running away from crazy.
So, here I am, spilling my guts to the faceless internet, trying desperately to bandage my psychological wounds before I fulfill a daily fantasy of climbing to the top of a building in downtown Lexington and ending these... feelings.
I love her, and I want to work this out. I want to find out what behaviors of mine have caused the most harm so that I can try to at least curb them. I want to work out how to make her happier. I want to make me happier. But I can't do that in this limbo. I can't.
I just can't sit here not knowing anything. But she's never been one to tell me what's going on in her life. And I don't blame her for that. I can't blame her.
It's been me all along. My issues. It's always been me.
It's always been Wankershim. (Because ending on a Bravest Warriors joke is mature)
*** It's worth noting that I had a discussion with someone who means a lot to me about this issue and she rightly pointed out that this is not a fair position. They are my demons, not hers. If my demons are causing the relationship distress, it is not fair to expect her to hang around while I get my shit together. I am glad that my position has shifted on this, but I'm sad it has not shifted to be any more easy for myself. I find no solace in these trials- only exhaustion, fatigue, and sadness. I am so sorry...
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