HolycrapI'mback.
I have lots to say and lots to do, so I may be bringing the blog back up to semi-regular updates. (Partially at the request of someone important)
Alright, so my last post was... less than the most uplifting post I've ever had. To cut a rather long story short, ties were indeed severed and the relationship was effectively ended in its entirety after about a year and a half. Having left this blog for some three months without looking back, I've found myself in a drastically different situation than I was when I departed. In almost every conceivable way, actually. To give you a brief update;
I got a new job in August. Something more stable, fulltime, and that provides healthcare and dental. Nothing against my old boss as a person, but it wasn't a terribly professional environment, nor was it financially stable. Part of my stress in August was related to the impending collapse of my employment and the anxiety brought on by interviews. I do not like interviews.
However, now that I have a fulltime job and my money woes have largely vanished, a significant portion of my heart and mind have been released from a rather ironclad grip. Combined with the removal of the obviously problematic relationship in my life, and I feel as light as air! However, there's still more good news; I actually may have figured out what I want to pursue with my life, which if you've noticed, has been a stress-inducing concern of mine for some time now.
In discussions with a new friend on the topic of academia, I have found a ludicrous amount of excitement in the field of game studies in culture and society. It really seems so simple as it combines my dual loves of critical analysis with game design. Yet somehow, the very concept eluded me, skirting just outside my peripheral vision for years- some sort of horrible combination between Slender (The Hide Behind) and a life dream.
As a result of this rather jarring epiphany, I've sought guidance from two of my professors, bought three books on the subject, read through a few academic articles, and I've sent an email to a prominent author in the field. Given my normal procrastination and laziness, this is a clear indicator that I'm onto something. And, to give you a final piece of delicious news, the convergence between my epiphany, new job, and loss of an unhealthy relationship had one final component to it; My SSRIs began kicking in. As a result, I have effectively suffered a biological, emotional, psychological, and financial turnaround. I couldn't tell you what the odds were that all these elements would fall into place at the same time, but I would hazard a wager that the odds are low. But, I'm absolutely not about to complain about some good luck.
(Also, I shaved my head. So there's that)
So, what am I doing now? Career-wise, I'm a legal assistant at a small law firm in Lexington. My job affords me a great deal of freedom and opportunity as well as a healthy and stable environment in which I can function.
I'm also giving serious consideration to how I interact with people and the way I view the world around me. It's becoming more apparent that life is absolutely too short to spend it hiding the truth from the people who matter to me. Life is also too short to not stand up for the things that I truly believe in or to accept a mediocre life. In drunken frustration, I sent a number of messages to people close to me or who had otherwise affected me in some way over the past few years. Most of them were met with positive responses, and only one did not receive a response at all. However, the best response I think I got was from my oldest brother, to whom I've never really had much of a connection. I'm happy to note that we had our first serious talk about life a few days ago.
I have an enormous amount of work left to do, and I will always be growing, but I am... sincerely happy for the first time in a long time. Were it not for the fact that this feeling has lasted a month, I might have assumed it to be an episode of mania, but the feeling is getting progressively more holistic and strong as time continues to march onward. I have no delusions that this trend is going to continue indefinitely or even that when my feelings plateau, they'll stay as high as they are. Further, some of my fingers still look like I regularly run them through garbage disposals (though at the time of writing this, only three fingers are currently ripped up). So there's obviously a lot that still needs done, but I also have my entire life to continue working on everything I set my eyes on.
I have many things to look forward to, and many things to be happy about. I invite you to join me as I document my thoughts down this fascinating road.
(Fair warning: I may start dweebing out about games moreso than I already have now. I'm still trying to pinpoint the effects this change is having on me)
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