Getting back into the swing of blog writing, we'll dabble in a topic near and dear to my heart: one that was a primary focus for the cessation of my last relationship and the beginning of what I consider to be the next chapter of my life.
Communication.
People suck at it. Big time. Myself included.
Communication isn't a simple art, and it's often at direct odds with what we are emotionally inclined to think and do. To that end, effective communication is not often our first temptation when faced with an uncomfortable situation or idea. Instead, being a stubborn jackass takes that role.
There's an enormous amount of subtle nuance that goes into language from an objective standpoint. But beyond that, from a subjective standpoint, each person interprets language a little differently. This makes 100% effective communication impossible by default without the power to read minds. However, there are a number of tricks and steps that we can take to ensure that we're communicating as effectively as possible in the time we have. Traditionally, the steps I'm going to give you are to be taken from a relationship standpoint, but I find they're equally effective with any instance of communication.
https://helptherapist.com/index.php?option=com_content&catid=17&id=75&view=article&fontstyle=f-larger
(If you want to follow along or skip my interpretation of these ideas, you can go straight to this source for a cursory look at it) [Alternatively, if you want to skip straight to the actual source, look up Dr. John Gottman and his books, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" and "The Relationship Cure."]
I recommend, regardless of your position, that you actively consider and analyze the ways in which you interact with the people around you in order to determine if any of these ideas apply directly or indirectly to your life.
First, and most principally, humans are bad at actively thinking about the status quo, whatever it is. In the context of relationships, the status quo consists of the things we like about our relationships and friendships- the things that make us stay there. We take these characteristics as "default" and gloss over them. However, when something bad happens, it disrupts those thoughts and we home in on it. As a result, it's far easier to identify and pinpoint things that are "wrong" with relationships than things that are "right." This is a method of cognitive bias we have that is ultimately damaging to ourselves, our loved ones, and our relationships.
The simple fix? Start vocalizing your appreciation for things. When someone does something you like, even if it's something they do every single day, stop them to make sure they know that it makes you happy. The more you catch yourself deliberately telling people about what you appreciate, the better your relationship is going to feel, since you're going to be more actively focused on the good things.
As an aside, this removes the ambiguity of non-feedback as a response to the things we do. We will either know immediately if what we're doing is making someone happy or not. The result? You trust what your partner tells you that much more now.
To put this in the context of a relationship, Gottman has a 5:1 ratio rule. Express five positive feelings for every one negative feeling regarding your partner. The lower the ratio, the more destructive the relationship actually is to you (both).
This works for friends too. Tell people what you're thinking. They deserve to know and it facilitates a better and mutual understanding between you. Keeping it bottled up isn't gonna' help.
Beyond that, there are four basic "sins" of communication that invariably cause more problems than they solve:
1. Criticism
This isn't academic criticism that we're talking about, but rather, it's offensive criticism- criticism intended to put people on the defensive and make them feel as though they're a problem. This includes personality generalizations. An easy hint is that if you catch yourself saying "you always..." or "you never...", then you're probably criticizing someone in a way that is unproductive.
Displaying honest displeasure with something your partner does is necessary for both parties and the relationship itself. However, you have to keep in mind that this kind of communication doesn't rely on the criticism of "who" the other person is, but rather "actions" that they have performed. If you criticize a trait that someone has, then you're criticizing a fundamental aspect of who they are. This is divisive and makes any problem seem a thousand times worse than it might actually be. This is because you've subtly implied that the problem is inherent and not something that can be changed.
To that end, statements of universal being should be avoided as well. "You are..." The less definitive your language becomes, the easier it is to understand where you're coming from.
"You are an angry person." - This is a hurtful and definitive statement about someone that cannot be remedied because it's definitional.
"You seem angry today." - This is a lot more tentative and doesn't say anything about "who" the person is, but rather, how they're acting. What's better is that it's approached from the perspective that the speaker might be wrong. "Seem." It indicates perceptual thought rather than a factual certitude.
"I'm getting the impression that something has been frustrating you lately. Do you want to talk about it?" - This is even more directly admitting that it's simply your perception, it's less accusatory, it uses less demeaning language (frustration is acceptable. Anger typically isn't), and it's on a more vague timeline. What's more, it invites the listener to partake in active steps to solve the problem rather than leaving it open-ended.
2. Contempt
This one is basically a nastier version of criticism. It looks directly at a person, takes a perceived permanent trait, and establishes a clear distaste for it. This is typical bully behavior that we're all capable of given the appropriate circumstances.
It often takes the form in demeaning insults, threats, condescension, and the intent to either hurt or subdue. Given that contempt is usually just a more extreme criticism, it shouldn't warrant a whole lot more in the way of description. Basically, if you solve the problem of personal criticism, you shouldn't notice any contempt cropping up either.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is, like criticism, something so common and easy to do, we don't typically catch ourselves in the midst of this transgression. This takes the form of shifting responsibility from yourself to another target.
"It wasn't my fault. *insert excuse*"
"It didn't happen."
"I wouldn't have done it if you didn't ____"
"Yes, but..."
This is simply the act of avoiding the humility we should be pursuing when we've done something to upset someone else.
This particular issue of communication treads into some very tricky territory. Because humans, being creatures of reasoning (sometimes) want to explain and add footnotes to everything. We want the blame to be shifted either to another person or a faceless idea. We want it not to be on us.
This isn't something we do necessarily because we want to weasel out of trouble we deserve to be in. Lots of times, we genuinely don't think we did anything wrong by our own moral standards. But here's the funny thing about relationships:
Your standards don't matter when it comes to breaking other peoples' standards.
If a really good friend is uncomfortable with the word "cunt," but you're not, should you still be "allowed" to use it? Well, sure. No one's going to stop you. But your friend will be made uncomfortable by something you can avoid doing without much difficulty.
"Yes, but swearing doesn't hurt anyone."
"Yes, but it's just a word."
"Well, you use the word 'fuck.' Why is this so different?"
While these positions may be valid in terms of an actual argumentative debate on the topic of language and its function in society, you're displacing the simple fact that you made someone else uncomfortable. Someone that you care about. You can try to change their opinion, but there's a time and place for that discussion. That time and place is not typically right after stomping on their comfort zone.
So, what should you do? Well, there's nothing wrong with explaining your position, but in order to avoid looking like a weasel, just apologize. Sincerely, unabashedly, and without a "but..." afterwords.
Even if you didn't break any of your own standards, you did break someone else's and made them uncomfortable. For that, you can be apologetic. For making them uncomfortable, you can be apologetic. This doesn't necessarily mean that you've admitted some sort of innate moral "wrong" with what you've done, just that what you've done had the unintended consequence of hurting someone important.
"I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. It was not my intention. The reason I did it was _______, but I understand that it made you uncomfortable regardless."
If at all possible, try ending it with an assurance that you'll try to prevent that kind of behavior in the future (at least around the person who's uncomfortable)
4. Stonewalling
Here's the biggy. This one's real easy to do and incredibly effective for making a problem "go away." I put that in quotations because it really just sweeps the problem under a rug, rather than making it go away entirely.
Stonewalling is the act of shutting down a conversation. It's when you become silent, unresponsive, unemotive, non-communicative, and withdrawn. Disapproval, coldness, distance, unhappiness, and frustration are all associated feelings.
To be perfectly clear, sometimes taking yourself out of a conversation that's going nowhere is both necessary and healthy, but only if you return to the conversation later, and only if there's an understanding between both parties in the discussion that it's a temporary measure taken to cool down.
Subtle emotional manipulation falls under this category, and it's a
pattern of action that's far easier to slip into than you might guess. That little hint of disapproval, but not actually talking about it forces the person you're talking to to decide on their own terms if they want to betray you or betray themselves. It's a guilt-inducing maneuver that a lot of people do unconsciously- sometimes not intending to cause their partner any stress, but the result is the same either way.
Passive aggressive behavior falls carefully between criticism and stonewalling.
By no means are these end-all-be-all rules, but they're definitely something you should keep your eyes out for. Try to communicate openly, honestly, politely, and humbly whenever possible.
I am guilty of stonewalling with more frequency than any of the others. I'm trying to end ties with this kind of behavior.
What's your communication sin?
No comments:
Post a Comment