Both of my readers know my position on humans; they're complicated. In an almost uncountable number of ways, with layers upon layers of complex interactions seeking to affect individual parts of your life simultaneously. Unfortunately, sometimes this turns up as a super contradictory jumble of goop.
The main thing I'm talking about is the constant struggle between emotions and logical cognition that your mind carries out every day. The emotions that run through us like a river vary based on context, mood, and immediate situational changes. These emotions tell us how to react to the situations that happen within our lives.
When something goes wrong, we are typically told to be sad, tired, defeated, hopeless.
When something goes well, we are typically told to feel happy, proud, exhilarated, etc.
However, these emotions tell us how to react independent of our logical cognition, which tells us how we ought to react or how we'd like to react. It makes sense to feel happy for our friends' success. We want to feel happy for them, but emotionally, we have the propensity to feel paranoid, scared, jealous, or even angry at them.
Imagine two independent people walking down the sidewalk, parallel to each other. They can walk in any direction they want as long as they are moving forward at a constant speed as well. A lot of the time, there's no problem between these two people. However, in some circumstances, one may cross over towards the other, and when they run into each other, they're completely stuck, attempting to force their way past the other in vain, given their constant and equal speeds. A stalemate occurs. A painful and uncomfortable standstill that cannot be resolved until one or both of the people back down. However, since both are demanding that the body react in a certain way to a situation, without getting that reaction out, it's almost like you've failed to meet the prerequisite for going to the next step (which would be getting over that reaction). Instead, you're stuck constantly trying to have those conflicting reactions.
Emotionally, when there's someone that I want to stop thinking about, I block, ignore, or cut them out of my life.
Cognitively, I don't want to have to do that in order to be able to move on with my life. I think I should be mature enough to acknowledge that I don't always get my way, accept the things I cannot change, and make peace with the reality that is offered to me.
One has to give way to the other, for better or for worse. I think, however, what's important is not necessarily having the ideal or correct reaction, but rather, being aware of the conflict, deciding which reaction you believe is the more beneficial/healthy one, and actively trying to strengthen that reaction until it wins the standoff.
Like lifting weights, it's not being at the apex of the lift that matters, but the continuous process that is truly strengthening you.
It's not an easy or straightforward conflict, but being sure to push back rather than to try to win each time is going to remind you that progression in life isn't like a switch. You don't go from being bad at something to being good at it; there's a continuum that you travel along so long as you work at it.
You and your subconscious are teammates in this fight. Your emotional reactions are sometimes appropriate, and your logical reactions are sometimes appropriate. The goal, I think, is to get to a compromise between these conflicting natures, wherein neither is "leading" or "running" the show, but the two trade-off regularly to maintain a sense of balance and fluidity.
But I might just be completely talking out of my ass. I did write this in like twenty minutes without much prior thought, so.....
Friday, January 31, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
A Hundred In....
This is my 100th blog post!
I should put on some festive music and dance or something.
For seriousies, thanks to both of my readers and anyone who's offered suggestions, discussions, or inspirations for these posts. It's a weird time in my life, and I'm glad I have an outlet for my thoughts, whether it's an empty room, or packed full of the people I love.
I know I'm a pretty difficult-to-deal-with manbaby (see image below), so I appreciate everyone who's stuck around despite my shortcomings.
My philosophies are unorthodox at best, and alienating and frustrating for others at worst. What's more, I stick to my philosophies like an adhesive medical strip, so people are pretty much stuck dealing with my opinions when they're around me. It's kinda' like I started a bad religion and I won't stop talking about it to my friends.
I do it because I never want to see anyone I care about submit to complacency, and if I'm going to have to be that annoying creature lurking over your shoulder, forever buzzing in your ear to remind you of the improvements that can yet be made, then that is what I shall do, even if people are annoyed by it.
And I do apologize for causing that irritation. And I thank you for putting up with it.
So just for a minute, I'd like to sit back and enjoy an intimate moment with my readers (read: stalkers).
Let's all share in a traditional Victory Screech.
To another hundred posts, eh?
-
Waddles
I should put on some festive music and dance or something.
For seriousies, thanks to both of my readers and anyone who's offered suggestions, discussions, or inspirations for these posts. It's a weird time in my life, and I'm glad I have an outlet for my thoughts, whether it's an empty room, or packed full of the people I love.
I know I'm a pretty difficult-to-deal-with manbaby (see image below), so I appreciate everyone who's stuck around despite my shortcomings.
My philosophies are unorthodox at best, and alienating and frustrating for others at worst. What's more, I stick to my philosophies like an adhesive medical strip, so people are pretty much stuck dealing with my opinions when they're around me. It's kinda' like I started a bad religion and I won't stop talking about it to my friends.
I do it because I never want to see anyone I care about submit to complacency, and if I'm going to have to be that annoying creature lurking over your shoulder, forever buzzing in your ear to remind you of the improvements that can yet be made, then that is what I shall do, even if people are annoyed by it.
And I do apologize for causing that irritation. And I thank you for putting up with it.
So just for a minute, I'd like to sit back and enjoy an intimate moment with my readers (read: stalkers).
Let's all share in a traditional Victory Screech.
To another hundred posts, eh?
-
Waddles
Monday, January 27, 2014
The Stress of Communication
So, I think it's about time I made my umpteenth blogpost on communication, since the last time I beat this dead horse, it didn't come back to life. (Figured, why not try again, you know?)
Communication stresses me the hell out. For like... eight reasons.
[Actually, that's good, let's run with that:]
1. Humans are fallible. Most importantly, humans make mistakes, lie, cheat, steal, and avoid. Confrontation is stressful, so we worm our way out of doing it through justifications, procrastinations, and cathartic release.
2. Words are inadequate. We can express so much with language, but still so much is left unsaid. Emotions that don't have words. Ideas that cannot be expressed.
3. I don't take charge. I hate feeling like I have to own up and be the initiator of communication or else ensure that things will be swept under the rug. I suck at taking the reins, though I suppose it's good that I learn how at some point.
4. Stuff slips through the cracks. Inevitably, in any conversation, and especially the ones in which few words are exchanged, information tends to fall by the wayside, only to be forgotten. We can forget to tell someone something important. We might forget a piece of information ourselves. Combined with the imperfection of words and the fallibility of humans, information gets miscommunicated (if communicated at all) with relative frequency.
5. Sometimes we have to accept a lack of closure. Given the above elements, there are things that cannot or will not be communicated, no matter how much you need or want it. These items wherein we cannot obtain closure or finality are specters that loom over us, making us doubt ourselves. We have to let these things go. Even though it hurts like balls, and even though closure appears right around the corner, constantly taunting us.
6. Thoughts are complicated. We have so much on our mind; logic that conflicts with emotion, emotions that conflict with the emotions we want to feel, instincts that are based on nothing. With all that piling up along with our constant stream of life experiences, there's little we can do except hope that we're appropriately conveying the thoughts we wish to convey. We are predisposed to err between our thoughts and our words given the complexity of thought and motivation itself.
7. People don't want to communicate. It's not worth the strain. Even if we weren't prone to communicating improperly, we would still tend to avoid the communication itself. Saying what you feel is difficult and the potential rewards are not something we can accurately measure. So, in lieu of extremely convoluted cost-benefit analyses, we just walk away from the problem.
8. We are frail. With our mixed bag of emotions, inability to communicate effectively, propensity to miss details or avoid details, it makes active discourse nothing short of dangerous for us. We feel bad when we hurt others, and we want to avoid being hurt ourselves, so the easiest way to stave off these twin problems is to avoid their surface cause; communication.
Together, this adds up to people ignoring each other, lying and avoiding conflict (either with good intentions or bad), miscommunicating, hurting each other, not getting the closure we need, and overall feeling inadequate about ourselves.
This is the curse and blessing of human intelligence, and I'm trying to at least own up to my end of the communicative hassle. It's difficult and it sucks, but I think this is how to grow.
Unfortunately, this is not a sentiment shared by everyone, so my need for communication may be at odds with someone else's need to avoid the stress of communication.
For this, I don't have a solution. A compromise is the best option, but many people are not willing to entertain that much work for gains that are imperceptible. I cannot blame them. My decisions are only mine, and I have no right to control how others live their lives.
This shit is complicated...
-
Waddles
Communication stresses me the hell out. For like... eight reasons.
[Actually, that's good, let's run with that:]
1. Humans are fallible. Most importantly, humans make mistakes, lie, cheat, steal, and avoid. Confrontation is stressful, so we worm our way out of doing it through justifications, procrastinations, and cathartic release.
2. Words are inadequate. We can express so much with language, but still so much is left unsaid. Emotions that don't have words. Ideas that cannot be expressed.
3. I don't take charge. I hate feeling like I have to own up and be the initiator of communication or else ensure that things will be swept under the rug. I suck at taking the reins, though I suppose it's good that I learn how at some point.
4. Stuff slips through the cracks. Inevitably, in any conversation, and especially the ones in which few words are exchanged, information tends to fall by the wayside, only to be forgotten. We can forget to tell someone something important. We might forget a piece of information ourselves. Combined with the imperfection of words and the fallibility of humans, information gets miscommunicated (if communicated at all) with relative frequency.
5. Sometimes we have to accept a lack of closure. Given the above elements, there are things that cannot or will not be communicated, no matter how much you need or want it. These items wherein we cannot obtain closure or finality are specters that loom over us, making us doubt ourselves. We have to let these things go. Even though it hurts like balls, and even though closure appears right around the corner, constantly taunting us.
6. Thoughts are complicated. We have so much on our mind; logic that conflicts with emotion, emotions that conflict with the emotions we want to feel, instincts that are based on nothing. With all that piling up along with our constant stream of life experiences, there's little we can do except hope that we're appropriately conveying the thoughts we wish to convey. We are predisposed to err between our thoughts and our words given the complexity of thought and motivation itself.
7. People don't want to communicate. It's not worth the strain. Even if we weren't prone to communicating improperly, we would still tend to avoid the communication itself. Saying what you feel is difficult and the potential rewards are not something we can accurately measure. So, in lieu of extremely convoluted cost-benefit analyses, we just walk away from the problem.
8. We are frail. With our mixed bag of emotions, inability to communicate effectively, propensity to miss details or avoid details, it makes active discourse nothing short of dangerous for us. We feel bad when we hurt others, and we want to avoid being hurt ourselves, so the easiest way to stave off these twin problems is to avoid their surface cause; communication.
Together, this adds up to people ignoring each other, lying and avoiding conflict (either with good intentions or bad), miscommunicating, hurting each other, not getting the closure we need, and overall feeling inadequate about ourselves.
This is the curse and blessing of human intelligence, and I'm trying to at least own up to my end of the communicative hassle. It's difficult and it sucks, but I think this is how to grow.
Unfortunately, this is not a sentiment shared by everyone, so my need for communication may be at odds with someone else's need to avoid the stress of communication.
For this, I don't have a solution. A compromise is the best option, but many people are not willing to entertain that much work for gains that are imperceptible. I cannot blame them. My decisions are only mine, and I have no right to control how others live their lives.
This shit is complicated...
-
Waddles
Friday, January 24, 2014
Selfishness (Read: Kids are jerks) [But it's not their fault]
Alright, I promised controversial, so I suppose I have to give it.
Harkening back to a topic idea suggested by a dear friend however many months ago, I'd like to discuss children and their propensity to be assholes.
Now, this immediately gets into tricky territory since we haven't adequately defined what a jerk is or what it is that makes someone a jerk.
Nor do I actually intend to define it; largely because any definition I use would be meaningless (I attribute this to a lack of skill in wordplay on my part rather than philosophical possibility).
Kids are and are not jerks. And that's the short and skinny of a very complicated question regarding human nature.
Firstly, we're examining two separate things, and I should go right ahead and differentiate them;
Intention
Behavior (consequences)
In this case, the intent of behavior is most usually totally unrelated to the consequences or outcome; not because kids don't care, but because they haven't developed a sufficient understanding of empathy to this point to be able to shift perspectives easily.
The behavior, on the other hand, is that which produces measurable effects; the consequences of a child's actions regardless of his/her intent with those actions.
Adults are far better at pairing appropriate intentions with appropriate actions than kids, but even we mess it up with a fair amount of frequency. See back-handed compliments, jokes that cross the line, accidentally hurting your friends, etc.
Rarely do our bad intentions lead to good outcomes, but often do our good intentions go awry. Hence the old adage, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
This is partially because our actions are based off of assumptions that we have, which are in turn based on prior knowledge of cause and effect. We assume that in order to create outcome A, we must perform action B, since something similar has worked for us in the past.
Problem is, humans are all unique, and their problems are individualized too. As a result, we can't just go around generalizing solutions for everyone; Doesn't work very well.
This results in a rather frequent phenomenon in which we misinterpret what actions will yield what consequences given our intentions.
"I want my significant other to be happy, so I'll be them flowers. Flowers made my last SO happy!"
"I'm allergic to roses! I told you that!"
Turbo cliche example, but it fits.
Now kids? They're missing a step in this process. They don't have much prior experience, and what little they have is constantly building off of new experiences. As a result, there's a lot more that goes into the "assumption" part of the transaction, and a lot less thought that goes into the "intention" part.
"I like it when I make people laugh. Throwing sand at this person makes people laugh."
The assumption here is limited to an inherently selfish tendency- the tendency to do what makes you happy in order to elicit positive feelings. There's little to no consideration for the "victim" in events that involve children because there is virtually no prior experience in the field of empathy. There is no cost-benefit analysis being performed; it's more like a scientific experiment to attempt to recreate circumstances and data in an incredibly rudimentary sense.
Kids are rarely malicious, they're just more curious than they are aware of the people around them. All people and all things are a means to an end because children have not developed the sense of pleasure derived from making others happy in nearly the same capacity as adults (sometimes) do. Which, yes, ultimately means that there's some sense of selfishness within our empathy and our desire to help others. It makes us feel good. We derive a satisfying sense of accomplishment knowing that our actions have potentially lifted up another. Sometimes, we feed into this so much that it becomes our very reason for living.
Sometimes, on the other hand, we never develop this sense at all. Some people have a strict lack of empathy that carries with them for their entire lives.
Others have the sense of empathy crushed and pushed out from them by a world and a culture that encourages psychopathy and cruelty.
Kids do not act because they lack the empathy, they act because their empathy has not been nourished yet. This is why it's so important for good role models to deliberately make it a point to remind children that every human is valuable to their own end, and that each desire we have is matched by an equivalent desire in each other person; an infinitely complicated and interconnected web of similarities and equivalencies can be drawn through every human being on the planet. It is a difficult perspective to swallow, and not one that we can wrap our minds around without assistance for a long time- especially for kids.
So kids are assholes, but it's not their fault.
Not to say that excuses their behavior. ;D
Harkening back to a topic idea suggested by a dear friend however many months ago, I'd like to discuss children and their propensity to be assholes.
Now, this immediately gets into tricky territory since we haven't adequately defined what a jerk is or what it is that makes someone a jerk.
Nor do I actually intend to define it; largely because any definition I use would be meaningless (I attribute this to a lack of skill in wordplay on my part rather than philosophical possibility).
Kids are and are not jerks. And that's the short and skinny of a very complicated question regarding human nature.
Firstly, we're examining two separate things, and I should go right ahead and differentiate them;
Intention
Behavior (consequences)
In this case, the intent of behavior is most usually totally unrelated to the consequences or outcome; not because kids don't care, but because they haven't developed a sufficient understanding of empathy to this point to be able to shift perspectives easily.
The behavior, on the other hand, is that which produces measurable effects; the consequences of a child's actions regardless of his/her intent with those actions.
Adults are far better at pairing appropriate intentions with appropriate actions than kids, but even we mess it up with a fair amount of frequency. See back-handed compliments, jokes that cross the line, accidentally hurting your friends, etc.
Rarely do our bad intentions lead to good outcomes, but often do our good intentions go awry. Hence the old adage, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
This is partially because our actions are based off of assumptions that we have, which are in turn based on prior knowledge of cause and effect. We assume that in order to create outcome A, we must perform action B, since something similar has worked for us in the past.
Problem is, humans are all unique, and their problems are individualized too. As a result, we can't just go around generalizing solutions for everyone; Doesn't work very well.
This results in a rather frequent phenomenon in which we misinterpret what actions will yield what consequences given our intentions.
"I want my significant other to be happy, so I'll be them flowers. Flowers made my last SO happy!"
"I'm allergic to roses! I told you that!"
Turbo cliche example, but it fits.
Now kids? They're missing a step in this process. They don't have much prior experience, and what little they have is constantly building off of new experiences. As a result, there's a lot more that goes into the "assumption" part of the transaction, and a lot less thought that goes into the "intention" part.
"I like it when I make people laugh. Throwing sand at this person makes people laugh."
The assumption here is limited to an inherently selfish tendency- the tendency to do what makes you happy in order to elicit positive feelings. There's little to no consideration for the "victim" in events that involve children because there is virtually no prior experience in the field of empathy. There is no cost-benefit analysis being performed; it's more like a scientific experiment to attempt to recreate circumstances and data in an incredibly rudimentary sense.
Kids are rarely malicious, they're just more curious than they are aware of the people around them. All people and all things are a means to an end because children have not developed the sense of pleasure derived from making others happy in nearly the same capacity as adults (sometimes) do. Which, yes, ultimately means that there's some sense of selfishness within our empathy and our desire to help others. It makes us feel good. We derive a satisfying sense of accomplishment knowing that our actions have potentially lifted up another. Sometimes, we feed into this so much that it becomes our very reason for living.
Sometimes, on the other hand, we never develop this sense at all. Some people have a strict lack of empathy that carries with them for their entire lives.
Others have the sense of empathy crushed and pushed out from them by a world and a culture that encourages psychopathy and cruelty.
Kids do not act because they lack the empathy, they act because their empathy has not been nourished yet. This is why it's so important for good role models to deliberately make it a point to remind children that every human is valuable to their own end, and that each desire we have is matched by an equivalent desire in each other person; an infinitely complicated and interconnected web of similarities and equivalencies can be drawn through every human being on the planet. It is a difficult perspective to swallow, and not one that we can wrap our minds around without assistance for a long time- especially for kids.
So kids are assholes, but it's not their fault.
Not to say that excuses their behavior. ;D
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
That Awkward Spot
Life has looked very promising lately. And I've started to try to grab hold of that promise, making a stand for the things I want, standing firm and unwavering.
But promising is still mostly all it is.
I have many life changes that I've been anticipating for one reason or another. 2014 will be an incredibly crucial year for me; however, I can't help but feel like I'm waiting in line for an amazing ride. I can see it, but the time before getting on the ride is just purgatory.
Graduate school decisions and applications (I need to start preparing for this now though, so it really shouldn't count).
Various friends moving to and from Lexington.
My anti-anxiety medication hasn't started to work yet, leaving me nervous about its primary and side effects (one of which may be total exhaustion, but I'm not positive on this)
Trying new things and meeting new people.
The self improvement I'm staring at before I'll be ready to fall in love.
Games I'm actually excited about designing.
Little budding flowers of confidence popping out of the soil fertilized five months ago.
One of the lessons I ultimately must learn here is the importance of accepting the here and now and making the most out of that time, so I realize that this "waiting" for life period is at odds with what life really is. Perhaps this is the process through which my mind shifts from a global perspective to an individual perspective.
So many unanswerable questions... But at least I probably have the time and energy to dedicate towards solving these curiosities.
Next week, I'll wander my ass back towards controversial opinions- promise!
-
Wade
But promising is still mostly all it is.
I have many life changes that I've been anticipating for one reason or another. 2014 will be an incredibly crucial year for me; however, I can't help but feel like I'm waiting in line for an amazing ride. I can see it, but the time before getting on the ride is just purgatory.
Graduate school decisions and applications (I need to start preparing for this now though, so it really shouldn't count).
Various friends moving to and from Lexington.
My anti-anxiety medication hasn't started to work yet, leaving me nervous about its primary and side effects (one of which may be total exhaustion, but I'm not positive on this)
Trying new things and meeting new people.
The self improvement I'm staring at before I'll be ready to fall in love.
Games I'm actually excited about designing.
Little budding flowers of confidence popping out of the soil fertilized five months ago.
One of the lessons I ultimately must learn here is the importance of accepting the here and now and making the most out of that time, so I realize that this "waiting" for life period is at odds with what life really is. Perhaps this is the process through which my mind shifts from a global perspective to an individual perspective.
So many unanswerable questions... But at least I probably have the time and energy to dedicate towards solving these curiosities.
Next week, I'll wander my ass back towards controversial opinions- promise!
-
Wade
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Progress Note
This is more for my sake than anyone else's, and also because I forgot to do a post yesterday (oops).
Regarding my progress five days after starting on the anti-anxiety medication "Buspar" and my progress five months after starting on the SSRI Prozac.
I've never had more general hope for where I can take my life than right now. My mood is elevated and stabilized in general. No suicidal ideation, haven't had a mope-in-bed day in months, and my self-image has improved somewhat.
The main side effect I've noted is tremors in my hands and, to a lesser extent, the rest of my body. Originally, I had thought it was simply a one-day thing that I was going to get over, but after the last two months or so, the tremors have not gone away. Fortunately, they don't seem to have gotten any worse either. It's not a debilitating condition by any means. The dexterity I've worked on for years has helped to combat most of the problems that would normally be associated with hand tremors. While this means I may not be able to be an expert marksman anytime soon, I don't find that I'm terribly limited in anything I do normally. I've noticed very rare eye tremors and the inability to accurately focus my sight on a spot, but this only happens during periods of heightened tiredness.
The second it gets bad enough to the point that it affects my typing, I'll start to have serious reservations about continuing.
The discovery that my anxiety was not linked inexorably to my depression was unfortunate, but not surprising. It makes sense that my anxiety was its own beast that had simply helped to reinforce the depression. However, the immediate sensation I'm having is that my anxiety has not dissipated. Of course, it's only been have days, and it takes up to a month to take full effect. Still, I'm becoming more intimately aware of my anxiety ticks. Each time I bite the sides of my fingers, every obsessive thought I have about something that is neither my concern nor something I have control over, every second that I can't get someone out of my head, every detail that I can't figure out, each self-criticism and self-doubt I experience. I catch every single one, and I'm at once critical of the behavior and scared that it will persist, which of course, is a fear brought about by the anxiety itself.
Theoretically, the symptoms of anxiety may "worsen" in the weeks leading up to the end of the first month. I am 0% looking forward to that if it hasn't already started to affect me (which, again, is a valid concern)
I have been presented with a rather large bag of mixed emotions lately, as my zest for game philosophy grows, but so too does this sudden desire to settle down with someone. I fear greatly that I will have the propensity to make irrational decisions based even partially on such an emotionally-laden drive.
Hmm...
Regarding my progress five days after starting on the anti-anxiety medication "Buspar" and my progress five months after starting on the SSRI Prozac.
I've never had more general hope for where I can take my life than right now. My mood is elevated and stabilized in general. No suicidal ideation, haven't had a mope-in-bed day in months, and my self-image has improved somewhat.
The main side effect I've noted is tremors in my hands and, to a lesser extent, the rest of my body. Originally, I had thought it was simply a one-day thing that I was going to get over, but after the last two months or so, the tremors have not gone away. Fortunately, they don't seem to have gotten any worse either. It's not a debilitating condition by any means. The dexterity I've worked on for years has helped to combat most of the problems that would normally be associated with hand tremors. While this means I may not be able to be an expert marksman anytime soon, I don't find that I'm terribly limited in anything I do normally. I've noticed very rare eye tremors and the inability to accurately focus my sight on a spot, but this only happens during periods of heightened tiredness.
The second it gets bad enough to the point that it affects my typing, I'll start to have serious reservations about continuing.
The discovery that my anxiety was not linked inexorably to my depression was unfortunate, but not surprising. It makes sense that my anxiety was its own beast that had simply helped to reinforce the depression. However, the immediate sensation I'm having is that my anxiety has not dissipated. Of course, it's only been have days, and it takes up to a month to take full effect. Still, I'm becoming more intimately aware of my anxiety ticks. Each time I bite the sides of my fingers, every obsessive thought I have about something that is neither my concern nor something I have control over, every second that I can't get someone out of my head, every detail that I can't figure out, each self-criticism and self-doubt I experience. I catch every single one, and I'm at once critical of the behavior and scared that it will persist, which of course, is a fear brought about by the anxiety itself.
Theoretically, the symptoms of anxiety may "worsen" in the weeks leading up to the end of the first month. I am 0% looking forward to that if it hasn't already started to affect me (which, again, is a valid concern)
I have been presented with a rather large bag of mixed emotions lately, as my zest for game philosophy grows, but so too does this sudden desire to settle down with someone. I fear greatly that I will have the propensity to make irrational decisions based even partially on such an emotionally-laden drive.
Hmm...
Friday, January 17, 2014
Experimentation
So I saw my psychiatrist this week to finally address an issue I'd realized;
My anxiety is not tied directly to my depression. The two are separate issues. The last few months saw me obsessing over some things in a manner highly reminiscent of my nastiest times during the depression, but with the key difference that I wasn't unhappy. Just insecure.
Well, I've started taking an anti-anxiety medication that is theoretically supposed to simply raise the minimum level a stimuli will have to reach in order to trigger my stress.
I only just started it today, and I haven't had enough going on to be able to tell whether or not it's working (if I was to assume that it starts day of in the first place, which I doubt).
As much as I had been putting off seeing a psychiatrist for the last three years, SSRIs turned out to be a totally painless and benign process that did nothing but help me out. Relatively few side effects, if any, and I feel worlds better. Of course, the me of the past didn't have the motivation or energy to seek help most of the time, and even if he did, he feared the consequences too much to follow through.
Pulling yourself out of a nosedive is a difficult process. The symptoms of the problem reinforce the problem itself; a nasty feedback-loop that, if it goes unchecked for long, will create a nearly irreversible situation. Unfortunately, it took four+ years and some, in retrospect, incredibly loud warning signals for that problem to hit a fork in the road for me.
I was either going to be swallowed by the problem, or I was going to conquer it.
My initial attempts to conquer it were tentative. I'd sought therapy, but I'd refused to consider medication. I confided in my girlfriend at the time, but I'd refused to talk to virtually anyone else. I lived like an airbender, trying to find a way around a problem staring me in the face. However, try as I might, the problem advanced. It was only after being completely backed into a corner that I fought as an earthbender would. I staunchly stood my ground and took control of the battle with my emotions.
Some problems cannot be cleverly side-stepped. Some perspectives are simply ineffective for confronting certain issues.
This is a lesson I need to reinforce, and one I would urge everyone to at least consider. That thing that feels uncomfortable to you; the thing you don't want to do, even though you secretly do.
Confront it. And then, when the fight is over, pick yourself up, and take the next available opportunity to confront it again. Each time, learning how you deal with this struggle, and how best to approach the battle. Each time, picking up new tidbits of information and emotions associated with the issue, growing stronger and more resilient as you continue.
Even if it's something as simple as reaching out to a stranger and complimenting them. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Sometimes we forget to alter our perspectives once we get stuck into a pattern. This forces complacency and stagnancy into our daily lives as we hurry through a habitually-created rut. It's true that habits are comfortable, and I would argue necessary to sustaining life. But we have to remind ourselves out to do away with them once in a while. Often, our habits are neither healthy, nor long-term sustainable. Re-examine and act.
My anxiety is not tied directly to my depression. The two are separate issues. The last few months saw me obsessing over some things in a manner highly reminiscent of my nastiest times during the depression, but with the key difference that I wasn't unhappy. Just insecure.
Well, I've started taking an anti-anxiety medication that is theoretically supposed to simply raise the minimum level a stimuli will have to reach in order to trigger my stress.
I only just started it today, and I haven't had enough going on to be able to tell whether or not it's working (if I was to assume that it starts day of in the first place, which I doubt).
As much as I had been putting off seeing a psychiatrist for the last three years, SSRIs turned out to be a totally painless and benign process that did nothing but help me out. Relatively few side effects, if any, and I feel worlds better. Of course, the me of the past didn't have the motivation or energy to seek help most of the time, and even if he did, he feared the consequences too much to follow through.
Pulling yourself out of a nosedive is a difficult process. The symptoms of the problem reinforce the problem itself; a nasty feedback-loop that, if it goes unchecked for long, will create a nearly irreversible situation. Unfortunately, it took four+ years and some, in retrospect, incredibly loud warning signals for that problem to hit a fork in the road for me.
I was either going to be swallowed by the problem, or I was going to conquer it.
My initial attempts to conquer it were tentative. I'd sought therapy, but I'd refused to consider medication. I confided in my girlfriend at the time, but I'd refused to talk to virtually anyone else. I lived like an airbender, trying to find a way around a problem staring me in the face. However, try as I might, the problem advanced. It was only after being completely backed into a corner that I fought as an earthbender would. I staunchly stood my ground and took control of the battle with my emotions.
Some problems cannot be cleverly side-stepped. Some perspectives are simply ineffective for confronting certain issues.
This is a lesson I need to reinforce, and one I would urge everyone to at least consider. That thing that feels uncomfortable to you; the thing you don't want to do, even though you secretly do.
Confront it. And then, when the fight is over, pick yourself up, and take the next available opportunity to confront it again. Each time, learning how you deal with this struggle, and how best to approach the battle. Each time, picking up new tidbits of information and emotions associated with the issue, growing stronger and more resilient as you continue.
Even if it's something as simple as reaching out to a stranger and complimenting them. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Sometimes we forget to alter our perspectives once we get stuck into a pattern. This forces complacency and stagnancy into our daily lives as we hurry through a habitually-created rut. It's true that habits are comfortable, and I would argue necessary to sustaining life. But we have to remind ourselves out to do away with them once in a while. Often, our habits are neither healthy, nor long-term sustainable. Re-examine and act.
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