Experimentation

So I saw my psychiatrist this week to finally address an issue I'd realized;

My anxiety is not tied directly to my depression. The two are separate issues. The last few months saw me obsessing over some things in a manner highly reminiscent of my nastiest times during the depression, but with the key difference that I wasn't unhappy. Just insecure.

Well, I've started taking an anti-anxiety medication that is theoretically supposed to simply raise the minimum level a stimuli will have to reach in order to trigger my stress.


I only just started it today, and I haven't had enough going on to be able to tell whether or not it's working (if I was to assume that it starts day of in the first place, which I doubt).

As much as I had been putting off seeing a psychiatrist for the last three years, SSRIs turned out to be a totally painless and benign process that did nothing but help me out. Relatively few side effects, if any, and I feel worlds better. Of course, the me of the past didn't have the motivation or energy to seek help most of the time, and even if he did, he feared the consequences too much to follow through.

Pulling yourself out of a nosedive is a difficult process. The symptoms of the problem reinforce the problem itself; a nasty feedback-loop that, if it goes unchecked for long, will create a nearly irreversible situation. Unfortunately, it took four+ years and some, in retrospect, incredibly loud warning signals for that problem to hit a fork in the road for me.

I was either going to be swallowed by the problem, or I was going to conquer it.

My initial attempts to conquer it were tentative. I'd sought therapy, but I'd refused to consider medication. I confided in my girlfriend at the time, but I'd refused to talk to virtually anyone else. I lived like an airbender, trying to find a way around a problem staring me in the face. However, try as I might, the problem advanced. It was only after being completely backed into a corner that I fought as an earthbender would. I staunchly stood my ground and took control of the battle with my emotions.

Some problems cannot be cleverly side-stepped. Some perspectives are simply ineffective for confronting certain issues.

This is a lesson I need to reinforce, and one I would urge everyone to at least consider. That thing that feels uncomfortable to you; the thing you don't want to do, even though you secretly do.
Confront it. And then, when the fight is over, pick yourself up, and take the next available opportunity to confront it again. Each time, learning how you deal with this struggle, and how best to approach the battle. Each time, picking up new tidbits of information and emotions associated with the issue, growing stronger and more resilient as you continue.

Even if it's something as simple as reaching out to a stranger and complimenting them. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Sometimes we forget to alter our perspectives once we get stuck into a pattern. This forces complacency and stagnancy into our daily lives as we hurry through a habitually-created rut. It's true that habits are comfortable, and I would argue necessary to sustaining life. But we have to remind ourselves out to do away with them once in a while. Often, our habits are neither healthy, nor long-term sustainable. Re-examine and act.