Admissions

On Monday, I was chatting with two dear friends and I wound up saying something I'd been relatively scared of saying out loud up until this point. In fact, I said two things that I wasn't super comfortable telling others about.

I decided that's bunk, and I should probably be open and aware of the things I'm otherwise scared to admit.
So if you want to avoid a big ol' look into my crazy psyche, now's the time to bail on this blog post.




I want to get married. Like, really badly. I don't know if it's my biological clock, the fact that others are getting married around me, or what exactly, but sometime in the last year, I started thinking a lot more about settling down. I know I'm no where near ready for something like this, but it strikes me as odd that I could go from being terrified of long-term commitment and getting "stuck" to just wanting the chase to be done with.

I'm not comfortable with hugging too many people. In fact, physical touch in general makes me mildly uncomfortable. By and large, it's male touch that makes me more uncomfortable, and again, I don't really know why. It's possible there's an orientation fear in there and my brain is scared of opening myself up to possibilities.

I'm highly obsessive. Ever since high school, when there's something I'm relatively passionate about, it gets stuck in my mind all day. Few minutes go by where I don't think about whatever it is I'm obsessed with that day. Today, it's the game I'm designing and how I can try to finagle the mechanics such that my intent is achieved while function is not limited. Often, it's the women I'm interested in. My obsession is linked in some way to my anxiety in that I get overly anxious and paranoid when I obsess about my social connections. Even with my platonic friends, I find myself thinking too much and too often about their thoughts that I cannot have access to. I am a glutton for knowledge of a very particular kind; I love knowing what people are thinking, and when I suspect that the knowledge I have therein is lacking or that someone is deceiving me about their thoughts, I obsess over it to a high degree. An unhealthy degree, actually.
My intent is to talk to my psychiatrist about this and hopefully see what curbing my anxiety does to help this issue.

I worry that my moderate views on feminism make a good portion of my friends view me with disdain and/or incredulity. I cannot blame them if such is the case. I seem to be actively challenging everyone from every philosophical standpoint. And not necessarily because I think every standpoint is wrong, but because I think every group has flaws, and it's far more difficult to point out flaws from within (even this post is taking a lot out of me). Of course, the catch is that by not being steeped in a culture that I'm critiquing, I may be missing integral facts or ideas that would ultimately eliminate my criticisms. And therein lies the next admission

I doubt myself almost 100% of the time when it comes to matters of philosophy. I speak because it's the only way to start a discussion and get thoughts out, but I'm never certain about the truth value of my logic. My self-doubt seems to temper some humility, but it's entirely possible, then, that thinking I'm humble as a result of my self-doubt is entirely biased and egotistical. I am more cautious than those who are certain of themselves, but does that make me more correct? More wise? More capable? My instinctual thought is probably, but there again would be egotism incarnate. Socrates said that his only wisdom was in his knowledge of his own ignorance. However, people who are certain achieve results. People who are certain have followings, ambition, drive, passion. Whether or not it is wise, it works. So I must again doubt my own path.

I've been starting conversations about sex with people I absolutely shouldn't be as a result of hormones and loneliness.
It's super duper stupid and lead to the disaster in my life known as Shea. And still I allow myself to make these terrible choices.

I have not been able to reconcile my sincerity with my love of teasing. For example, on this blog? With my brother? When prompted specifically for it? I am as sincere as I know how to be. I watch what I say and calculate each word arduously, ensuring I don't miscommunicate any part of my message if at all possible. However, in other contexts, I tease and I play, which often comes in the form of playful insults between friends. The result of that is being seen as asshole. I am not comfortable with that label because I do think that I'm sincere when it counts 99% of the time. However, I also don't often let people know that they can turn to me and that I want to hear their thoughts (both are true). I don't often give people the reassurance they probably want or need. This is something I'm trying to work on, but have pretty obvious shortcomings on.

I'm incredibly possessive, and I don't know if it's from a lack of trust or total insecurity, anxiety, or what exactly. I am viscerally discomforted by the idea of people I care about doing things I don't "approve" of, even if it doesn't affect me in any way, shape, or form. The knowledge that someone is doing something I don't want them to is enough to make me stressed. This is an obvious problem in a great number of ways, and I wish I knew what steps I could take in order to accept that the only life that's mine is my own.

I'm not nearly the strategist I pretend to be. I can't calculate two moves ahead. Rather, my strength lays in my ability to adapt to a situation as it unfolds, making it seem like I can predict actions before they happen. In reality, it's just a decent reaction speed. This is where my brother has me beat by a mile.

I worry that the fact that I basically don't read books ever makes people see me as uncultured, unintelligent, boring, lazy, and/or uninteresting. This definitely stems from my lack of self-esteem.

I'm absolutely terrified of becoming my father in so many ways. One of them is something I've already become; emotionally manipulative. I don't intend to do it (that absolutely doesn't make it okay), but my feelings of inadequacy and self-hate have allowed me to control situations in ways that are externally rewarding, thus reinforcing the behavior. I have been deliberately trying very hard to nip these behaviors in the bud, but I'm scared that any expression of self-doubt (like this blog post) is seen now as an attempt to manipulate my environment. Moreover, I'm scared that any expression like that IS an attempt to manipulate my environment unconsciously.

I worry that my perspective is neither sought, nor wanted, nor appreciated when it's given. I worry it's not my place to give that perspective in the first place. What right do I, a straight, white male, have to give an opinion on the hardships anyone else experiences? Or are all perspectives valuable in some context or another? Are people allowed to expect others not to offer their opinion when it's unsolicited?

Am I drifting away from my friends? Are they drifting away from me? Does that upset them at all? Does it upset me at all?

I worry over the opinions people have about me being a picky eater. I worry about causing inconvenience, stress, exasperation, and judgment by my near refusal to try new things until the last month.

Despite the fact that I choose my words carefully when I'm sending a deliberate message that I'm invested in, whenever I need to write a paper or a poem or what have you, I just wing it. I put virtually no thought into it. Ramshackled links of words and ideas that sound mildly good in my head, that I often never look back at a second time.

I don't want to open up to individual people, because I fear they won't have time, interest, energy, or care enough for me. So, I rarely let people in to the private thoughts I have. As a result, I can see myself possibly turning into the woman I take the most inspiration from; someone who's too aware and too afraid to be vulnerable for the potential damage it can cause. I want desperately to be able to be vulnerable, but there are always roadblocks and excuses not to.

That's all for today I think. Lots of thoughts careening around- must decompress.

This is not a plea for attention from anyone. This is my desire to be more vulnerable and open about my thoughts, and the best way to start is to be open to the nebulous entity known as the internet. Then I can move on to being open to my friends, family, and loved ones.