Per the suggestion of a good friend, I watched this 5-minute video with the notion that it might give me something to write about for my blog. I am simultaneously extremely happy and ludicrously frustrated that I watched it.
For brevity, this is the video portfolio of an artist born in 1990. She was younger than me. I say "was" because I neglected to read the description of the video before watching and was met with a rather abrupt "February 13, 1990 - November 20, 2013" at the end.
I was... floored. Dismay. Disbelief. Grief. Helplessness. Those are a few of the emotions I found had crept up on me so suddenly.
Zina Lahr had coined a name for a condition she thought she had. Creative Compulsive Disorder, no doubt a derivative of "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder," but with far friendlier connotations. And this tiny window into her life truly captures what she means by CCD. She sees all things in the world that are "ordinary" and effortlessly creates a way for those things to be extraordinary. And this isn't just a hobby. I would even be hesitant to call this a passion. It's clear that this was her life. Creativity was the essence of her existence.
I'm writing this on raw emotion, so you'll have to forgive the lack of clearly defined path I take here.
The only things I could feel while I watched this video were a mixture of awe and jealousy. The scope and skill within which she worked at such a young age was nothing short of amazing. And her zest is something I've never had. Not even close.
The mere "accumulation of experiences." That is the phrased used to describe a life not worth living by a show I recently watched with my roommate. While it may be a fantasy show and its rhetoric is certainly questionable in a number of ways, I cannot help but feel a resonance with my own life to some extent. Rather than taking life and making it what I desire, I simply live with what is around me to the best that I can with my limited energy and drive. Is this acceptable? Am I going to be happy like this?
But maybe it's not a fair comparison. Different people like different things in different amounts. My desire for new and stimulating experiences, as an introvert, is relatively limited by comparison to pure extroverts who thrive on such stimulation. I enjoy comforts and predictability to some extent.
So, perhaps the intent of this video isn't to show me who I'm not, but rather, to show me the way that anyone can take a world and gracefully morph it into something that is bliss for them, even if the world is, by nature, not interesting in and of its own rights.
This amazing woman showcases an incredible ability to transform everything she comes into contact with from the expected into something truly unique and wondrous. But our own inability to live to those standards isn't necessarily a bad thing. Rather, we each desire to affect the world around us in a different way- sometimes it's in extraordinary ways, sometimes ordinary. Sometimes, a combination. Zina is a shining example of a human being capable of creating their own happiness and joy.
And truly, she created more happiness for herself than I have allowed myself to.
My initial feelings of jealousy. Those were... not quite the right feelings. Because I am jealous of that pure unmitigated passion. But I believe that inspiration is probably the more appropriate emotion to be feeling. Not inspiration to be her or even necessarily be like her, but to carve out my own happiness no matter what stands in my way. It's true that I may not love new stimuli as much as she does, but when I desire new stimuli, I should go out and take it. Make it my own. Make my happiness a reality in this world rather than theory.
Zina Lahr, I never knew you, but you are easily one of the most incredible human beings who has ever lived.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I promise tomorrow I'll talk about the actual practicality of this "disorder," and how the process might affect society. Today, this was really something for self-reflection... And apparently, I needed it.
-
Waddles
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