It's not a terribly protected secret that I've been having a lot of thoughts about truth, honesty, and openness lately. I've begun opting into conversations that would normally make me incredibly uncomfortable out of sheer desire to conquer the fear of vulnerability. I've begun telling people the things I truly want, rather than hope they determine through some act of providence before proceeding to carry out that wish.
It's obvious that such a methodology is laughably ill-designed. It requires not only that people take subtle hints and extrapolate solid ideas from them, but also that they be certain enough about their interpretation to inspire action.
I dunno' about you, but I'm never certain enough of anything to inspire stalwart action.
People can pick up on subtle hints. It's something humans are innately pretty good at. But we don't necessarily speak the language of these hints. Rather, we take the hints in and interpret them as emotions. We get "vibes" from people. We sense emotions and turn around to exude those ourselves. But these aren't explicit things. They're not clearly defined or solid. They're malleable, translucent, foggy, and hard to grasp.
So, if we're reading other people in such a vague language, it stands to reason that our hints will almost never be properly translated. Moreso, even if they were properly translated, we're so uncertain about our interpretations that we won't act on them except in a tentative manner (well, I say "we," but I'm neglecting to note that there are arrogant people who definitely assume that their interpretations are objectively correct).
Humans aren't mindreaders. Explicit desires and thoughts must be conveyed in an explicit manner in order to be explicitly understood. Not every thought or desire is important enough to warrant such conveyance, but some of them totally are. Some people want to be included. Remembered. Loved. Validated. Complimented. Treated as an equal. Lots of these wants coincide with each other, and possess similar implications as well as resulting in similar emotions. But, each is distinct in a variety of ways. Given the subtle differences, we can conclude that the nature of human desire is incredibly nuanced and a complicated language. It's normal to not have a solid hold on this language. It's even more normal to not have a solid hold on how others use and interpret that language.
It's for this reason that we have communication. Verbal and non-verbal; In order to better express our thoughts and ideas.
This isn't just a capacity we have, but a need. A yearning. We want to be understood. We want our thoughts and desires to be heard and responded to. Even if they're rejected, there's a sense of closure in having our thoughts directly addressed. That closure is satisfying and stress-reducing.
For many of us, that need for closure is, unfortunately, quite ongoing. I, for example, suffer from anxiety and paranoia. I need to have my value explicitly reaffirmed with just the right amount of frequency or else I start to get really stressed out. Too much, and I stop believing the words. Too little, and I trust that the absence of words is proof that the feeling doesn't exist.
While my next step is to try to find medication for this imbalance, I've started to recognize in the here and now that I have that need, and I've begun actively seeking for people to fulfill that need rather than let my paranoia fester to an unreasonable state. It makes me come off as needy, but I'd rather that than be compulsively worrying about little details constantly. I got an ulcer from that already. It only takes one for me to realize how unsustainable living under those conditions is.
Some of our needs are physical. We need to be alone. We need to be surrounded. We need pleasure. We need to weep with empathy. We need intimacy.
Some of our needs are spiritual. Philosophical. Emotional. Mental. But the thing that remains constant through our needs is that they're individual to us. They are unique in exactly how much we need, when, and what kind of stimulation. Given the incredible variance between people and individual needs, it would be impossible to expect these needs to be met without explicitly asking.
So, start communicating. Start expressing your needs to the people that you want to fulfill them. If they refuse or mock you for it, they probably weren't worth having in your life anyway. Moreover, they probably weren't someone who would fulfill those needs if you hadn't asked.
If they respond positively, then your relationship has gotten just a bit stronger, and you'll know you can trust them in the future.
Ask people what they need. And not in a passing "do you need anything?" way; that implies the possibility that they don't need something. A consideration that gives them an excuse not to open up. Ask "what" someone needs.
What do you need? Right now? From me? From someone else? From anyone else?
Communicate that need. If it can't feasibly be met, then you need someone to complain to. Someone who will listen and not judge.
Why be ashamed of what you need? Will that help you? To ignore and avoid your needs and wants?
Somehow, I doubt it...
-
Waddles
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