Another Week

Sunrise, sunset.

Thoughts for the week:

Holy crap, I'm talking to the University of Washington professor in two hours... It's entirely informal, but I'm still crazy excited/stressed.

Seeing ex for the first time in some moons at Pizza Night, hopefully resolving an anxiety issue I've been having (more on this later).

I've chewed two of my fingers raw. It's become apparent that, with all Buspar did for me that sucked, it was toning down my nervous habits.

I'm ridiculously excited about the weather. Like, I couldn't be a whole lot more enthusiastic about being able to go on a walk and really enjoy it.

My game design has lulled. Largely because I'm at the point I like to call "guessing and checking," wherein I pick arbitrary numbers for pertinent stats in-game, test them out, watch things go horribly wrong, and then fine tune.

I hate fine tuning. I'm all about ideas, concepts, mechanics, and general workings. And I'm detail-oriented enough to catch a number of small things with a quick glance. Anything further than that bores me to tears. Suffice it to say, I'm procrastinating the real work on my games.

I'm currently bothered by how much I'd love to have someone to flirt with right now. I wish my brain would be okay with single life for a while. Not only is it healthy, but it would be practical to stay single for right now, since my foray into graduate school thoughts would almost certainly result in moving across the country (or out of it entirely). To that end, it would be irresponsible to start something right now.


So, on the "more on this later" topic, I've gotten advice from a number of people who are close to me who have recommended that it would be wise to cut my ex out of my life entirely, with the explanation that it's obvious she stresses me out. Which is not untrue. However, I fear that's just a symptom of the larger problem that is my propensity to obsess in general. Moreover, I don't want to be the kind of person who solves a problem by pushing it away and ignoring it. If I'm obsessing and stressed about this person, then there's some unresolved issue or some closure that needs to be addressed. Simply being in the same room might handle the problem or it might make it worse. At the very least, I think it's worth trying, since doing nothing is clearly simply leaving the tensions at a standstill.
Moreover, the overall good that would come of me sweeping the problem under a rug is far less than the overall good that would come of me confronting these anxieties face-to-face. Namely, I'd be giving her back a group of friends that she has otherwise been largely out of touch with.
So, while I do think it would be more healthy for me in the long-run to try to resolve these issues, the idea that it's just about me is a selfish one devoid of compassion and awareness. As such, my decision is to invite her back into my life so that I can hopefully gauge what her presence does to me and what my next step should be in order to overcome the demons I am faced with.

I am... tentatively concerned with my potential reactions to this meeting. I want to continue progressing towards the person that I would like to be. I don't want to get held up on silly or trivial things that my mind convinces me to ruminate on extensively.

Especially when I have real things to obsess over, like graduate school potentials!
Or, apparently, whether or not I smell really terrible and everyone is just too polite to tell me.

Words.
Words and syntax.

-Waddles