Relationships

Nice, totally ambiguous title we're working with here.
The reason? Because I have thought this through 0% and I just know that this is the topic on my mind of late.

So, I don't really know what all is going to turn up in this post. Sorta'.... completely winging it.

Noteworthy at this point that I've only been single for some six months or so. As such, anything I say might be colored with the bias of someone who misses couples life.

I had the striking and almost laughably absurd desire that had totally blind-sided me recently- that I'd like to settle down. It's actually really irritating that this has hit me at the time in my life where I'm probably least likely to stop moving around for a while. Moreover, it's unsettling given my prior fears of commitment and the idea of getting "stuck." I attribute this at least in part to the depression being kicked largely to the curb, however, there's still a part of this that doesn't sit quite right.

During this time, I have unintentionally reached out to four people for whom I had (or still have) romantic feelings. Further, I've sat my ass on OK Cupid and tried to spark twenty to thirty conversations. In none of these encounters was my goal actually romantically inclined, however. I've just been seeking connections with people who matter or used to matter in my life. Nostalgia, perhaps? I have also stepped forward to apologize to a former girlfriend for the way I had hurt her without meaning to. In my negligence, selfish thoughts were the only ones I'd given adequate consideration to, and that's been a theme throughout my relationships over the years.

Others are slowly getting married around me, and it's entirely possible my mind is reacting in the same way that it reacted when I wasn't picked for a team in gym class as a child: quiet desperation. This is, of course, one of the absolute worst reasons for trying to maintain actual human connection. To that end, I can only assume that my need to feel wanted is overriding my ethical positions in some regard. This isn't altogether surprising, but it's disheartening to be slave to something so...

Somewhat related, a friend recently expressed frustration over the notion that when a person finds themselves in a relationship, the rest of their social life suddenly gets placed in the backseat- friends to be approached as a backup plan rather than for their own worth. Is that what I'll do when I find a best friend to share my life with? Will everything else become an accent to the striking colors that is our bond (hilarious poetic ideal)?

Am I wrong, too, for being dependent? For objectifying? For subjectifying? Am I wrong for wanting the truth to be so bright that nothing can hide in the shadows in between?
It's all well and good to look at such a sentiment and say "of course honesty is the best- who wouldn't want it?" but what of total honesty? Even of things that are arguably unimportant?
This is a problem on my end; a result of damages to my ability to trust other human beings. I keep them at just enough distance that I don't have to trust them with anything meaningful. Because of this, relationships now seem a daunting endeavor, since I must trust my partner. There is a cognitive dissonance here that is jarring and disappointing.

Relationships are wonderful, complicated, imperfect representations of our connection to another person(people) in a way that makes us feel dizzy, uncomfortable, anxious, warmth, happiness, contentment, and a joyous bridge between fundamentally different, but linked persons. It would be impossible to fully describe the depth of complexity of the emergent dynamic of each individual relationship- each so wholly unique, fascinating, and varying, despite being born of the exact same kinds of connections every time.

I wish I didn't want a connection like that so badly right now.