On the Way Down

This is going to be a selfish and whiny blogpost. This is your chance to duck out now, before your eyes are assaulted by emotions and reflections.

Today marks the first day in months wherein the depressive symptoms have resurfaced. Not in full force, mind you, but they're definitely noticeable in that, again, for the first time in months, I kind of just want to crawl into bed and be sad. My heart is beating faster and harder than normal, with some significant discomfort. Feelings of isolation, hopelessness, and all around fatigue have begun their encore presentation. I'm not sure to what I can attribute this unwelcome circumstance, if indeed there's a triggering factor, but it's predominantly an issue of self-worth, as has been the trend for the past years.
I imagine those around me having a total indifference as to whether or not I'm around. Even in the case of those who aren't indifferent, there's some base shame I have for not having someone in my life who's happiest to see me. Because I define my value as a person with how much I impact those around me, not feeling particularly important to anyone (whether true or not) is jabbing my heart in the feels.

I don't know if I need validation or unconditional love, or if there's something else specific. I really want a cat or a dog. Someone who would cuddle with me and legitimately need me around. But I'm not in a place where I can get an animal friend.
I'm not in a place where I love myself enough to be with another person romantically.
And I do not have the confidence or motivation to seek the help of others. Nor am I certain that what I could obtain from friends is something that would solve my current dilemma.

This is all very troublesome since I'm:
1. Hoping to be rid of my depressive symptoms

2. Philosophically opposed to extreme dependency.

Of course, if my last blog post reminded me of anything, it's that my emotions and my philosophies don't always get along. My daemon and I are quite different despite our similarities, so to speak.

It doesn't help that I understand that moping and hiding myself away from others will not help me at all, and it will not solve any of my problems. This understanding does not conquer the rather primal nature of the swamp my mind is temporarily mired in.

I want to defeat this; I do. However, my anti-anxiety medication has thus far not eliminated my obsessiveness. Instead, it has only made me so fatigued that I yawn constantly, and with each one, my body is paralyzed with tremors. I want to defeat this because my goal for 2014 is to let nothing on this earth keep me from having a spectacular year. To that end, I've done a lot of work that I wouldn't have otherwise done. Far more than I had done in any given month of 2013. But, it's not enough, and I find myself tugged back to old thoughts and hold haunts.

I still obsess over the woman I fell for who didn't try.
I still obsess over my ex not being willing to communicate.
I still obsess over people not liking me.
I still obsess over the idea that I'm not interesting.
I still obsess over the first woman I fell in love with.
I still obsess over little things that don't matter; people who don't care enough to respect my thoughts; whether or not the people in my life should respect my thoughts; whether or not my thoughts have any value or merit at all in the first place.
I still obsess over whether or not I'm actually a terrible person or just someone who teases relentlessly, or if there's even a difference.
I still obsess over whether I'm seen as equal or lesser.
I still obsess over whether people are just humoring my notions of philosophy, psychology, balance, and mechanics.
I still obsess over how completely pompous I must present myself to people.
I still obsess over whether or not people I care about are hiding things from me; lying to me; what they really think about me; what kind of mark I'm leaving on them, if one at all.

I obsess over the feelings of guilt for wanting to post a blog post that is purely self-centered and a desperate plea for help, despite the number of friends I have who I could just openly ask for some validation from.

For the first time in months, I just want to stop. I just want everything to stop.

Just... Stop.
Please.