Relationships

Here's a big one. It's been coming for a while, but an old friend finally gave me some spectacular inspiration for writing it.

I need to preface this with something incredibly important and personal to me, which is why I feel as though I can maybe scratch the surface on the topic for once.

I'm currently dating an amazing woman who puts up with the worst I've ever shown anyone, and somehow that's only made us stronger. The downs I've faced in the last six months are among the worst I've ever experienced, with the highs being notably high themselves, and she's never once complained about the problems, helping me to shoulder them as long as I'd let her. As a result of this, and our overall connection, I'm in love (or just dependent) with her.

But the feelings I've had towards her are some of the most extreme feelings I've ever had, ranging from bitter sobbing sadness to simple and pure contentment. The negative feelings are more exceptional to me because they're a new aspect of my mind I haven't had to deal with much in the past with relationships. I've come across a new appreciation for jealousy that was once totally foreign to me. I've known a hurt unlike any other I've ever felt. These only exist resulting from a deeper connection than I thought I knew how to make.

With that said, I'm far from an example of healthy relationship material, however, I am at least pretty good about understanding others and their situations.

And it is from that experience as well as what little I know of psychology, ethics, and interpersonal relations that I draw my knowledge for this post.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Relationships. I don't have to tell you how complicated and nuanced relationships are. That crap is complicated. So I will be glossing over things, missing things altogether, so please forgive me for that.

There's a million things that go into a successful relationship, and I don't even really have the space to adequately cover a single one of these, but I'm gonna' talk about six or seven and just dive into them, covering as much ground as I can think of in a single swoop.
My preface to this is to remind you, the reader, that all people and all couples are different. Some of this may not apply or may only apply somewhat to certain couples. However, even if this doesn't apply to you, you may want to consider if your relationship might be happier or healthier if you altered your style to incorporate some of these ideas.

1.Trust- This here's the golden egg of the relationship world. If you can't scrounge up some trust in your partner, your relationship is doomed. Doesn't matter which one of you lacks the quality (though it's made exceptionally worse when neither party has it). Trust is absolutely essential to the functioning of a healthy relationship. This word has some breadth to it though, so don't simply assume that, "well, I don't think my partner would cheat on me, therefore trust!"
Trust in fidelity is certainly one thing- and an important thing, but it only falls under a single category for trust- one that we can call physical trust. (You're about to see a shout-out to my post on subjects and objects, because I'm headed in a similar direction)

A. Physical trust- You trust your SO not to cheat on you, but you also trust them not to hit you or threaten your physical well-being. You trust your SO not to take any physical actions that result in you getting hurt. You trust your SO not to steal from you or take any kind of physical advantage of you.
B. Emotional trust- This is pretty similar to physical trust except that it entails more than simply trusting them not to do emotionally hurtful things, but you're also trusting them with your emotional burdens. Each partner is extremely unique in their emotional and cognitive developmental histories. You'll have different fears, different wants, different needs, different ideas, hobbies, tastes, comforts, discomforts. You have to trust each other with this knowledge. If you don't, you'll inevitably get hurt by a well-intentioned partner who simply doesn't know any better.
C. Cognitive trust- I would largely place the simple notion of deceit in this category. You have to trust that your partner is not lying to you. This can get into some sticky territory since our culture has placed some value on the idea of lying to "protect" someone. The simplest solution to this problem is to have a discussion about it and ultimately agree to either ban or utilize small lies as a couple. This is the category for discussion. Trusting your partner not to lie to you is important, but it goes further- you also have to be able to count on your partner as an available and willing conversationalist.
In other words- talk about all of your problems. All of your problems with your significant other. Now don't get me wrong- you don't have to constantly bring up how much of a problem you might have with your partner's friends- There must always be a balance and moderation. Converse as much as is required for their to be a mutual understanding about any given topic that causes problems for one or both of you, but be wary of "beating a dead horse." It might wear on their patience and cause a host of other problems.

D. Privacy- I felt this deserved a special mention since it is one of the topics that encompasses all three categories. Violating someone's privacy is deeply physical, emotional, and cognitive. For example, if you're looking at your partner's phone without their consent deliberately seeking information you think they may be keeping from you, you're violating their physical property (and not trusting that your partner isn't violating your physical connection through infidelity), emotional connections (as well as refusing to trust them with your fears and insecurities), and you're violating the trust they have that you will talk to them when you're feeling uncertain, while also refusing to trust that they are not lying to you in the first place.
A violation of privacy is a fundamental warning sign that you have little to no respect or trust for your partner. Have a conversation about this immediately if you are in a situation in which this is an issue.
Really. Have a conversation immediately if you feel as though there's a trust problem on any levels. Because conversations are healthy. Seriously. Have them. A lot. I cannot possibly stress this enough.

2. Understanding- Gained through emotional trust, understanding plays a fundamental role in any disagreement you may have with your significant other. Empathizing with your partner allows your partner to feel like you care enough to know exactly how they're feeling, and it allows you to see an alternate perspective that you may not have considered before. Too often, we get stuck in our ways, assuming that others have nothing left to teach us, no matter who they are. But so often are we surprised by the knowledge gained by simply spending a few minutes thinking and feeling as your partner instead of as yourself.
(And I don't mean that shitty biased way that some people "empathize" where they implant assumed and unrealistic motives into another person:
"Try to put yourself into the shoes of the guy who cut you off. Why do you think he did that?"
"He wanted to piss me off!")
You understand your partner by talking to them and, even if you disagree, trying to distance your own emotionality in order to see your partner's perspective without your own bias. It's a skill that develops the more you do it, so don't wait to start talking and understanding.

3. Compassion- The natural  (hopefully) conclusion from gaining an understanding of your partner is to gain compassion for them. Their situations, their troubles, etc. It's one thing to understand where someone's coming from, but it's a whole additional trial to love them for it, particularly when you disagree or associate some other negative feeling with their circumstance.
This is often the thing you notice first when a relationship becomes love. It's something to be developed through an extraordinary amount of time with your partner. Don't expect either understanding or compassion to be fully realized without an enormous amount of work by both parties.
A wonderful quote that I believe sums up the value of compassion is, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." [EDITOR'S NOTE 3/24/15: I actually don't love this quote. It implies the onus is on your partner to deal with your actions whether they're acceptable or not, which isn't fair. I think a better quote might be, "If you can't handle me at my saddest, you don't deserve me at my happiest."]

4. Respect- While this coincides much with understanding, there are additional elements to respect. Respect is about acknowledging the differences between you and your partner as "acceptable" while also valuing the needs and wants of your partner. Respect, like understanding, doesn't necessarily translate into agreement, but it can translate into compliance. You may not like that your partner wants to pursue their career and, resulting from this, move away, but to respect your partner's independence and their desires, you may give them your blessing anyway.
However, on the opposite end of this, your partner may very much want to go, but may respect your desire to see them stay. It's a push and pull- a system of balancing that requires compromise and finding common ground. Maybe you'll opt to go with your partner. Or maybe you'll agree as a couple that it should only be a trial run.
Respect strengthens the bonds forged by trust, allowing both parties to remain independent people without diminishing the value of their connection to each other. Respect may often call for us to make sacrifices, as you might guess. It's painful, but rewarding to know that, despite your pain, your partner is happy. However, it is never wise to assume you know what your partner wants or needs without having a conversation first, so don't "respect" something that may not be there. Such actions can needlessly strain the emotional trust shared between you two.

[A very real problem we can run into is when we compartmentalize these relational items as separate. In reality, many of these are fully related to other items. For example, if your partner expects you to stop being friends with everyone of the opposite gender, you may feel like you have something of an obligation to respect that desire, but ultimately, such an expectation is fostered by a lack of emotional and physical trust. Respect isn't worth a whole lot if you're sacrificing trust to get there. As with all of these items, make sure to fully take stock what other elements any argument or request may have embedded within them.]

5. Expectations- Oh Jesus, this is the big'n. Expectations are something of the meat of any relationship, good or bad. Everyone has expectations for every relationship, whether platonic or romantic. You expect your friends to not poop on your bed while you're sleeping in it. You expect your friends not to break your belongings. You expect your friends to provide you with humor or compassion or sometimes just a shoulder to cry on.
Likewise, you expect your partner to trust you. You expect your partner to respect you.
But these are all really sort of universal expectations. We also have some pretty controversial expectations.
Like expecting a friend to bail you out of jail. Or expecting to be able to borrow your friend's clothes.
Expecting your partner to provide sexual stimulation when you want it. Expecting a relationship to be long-term. Expecting monogamy. Expecting commitment. Expecting your partner to sacrifice for you. Expectations come in many severities, shapes, sizes, etc. The important thing is to lay out your expectations in front of you and have a discussion over-time in the relationship about them, particularly when they become relevant. Do you expect your SO to flirt with and tease you once the relationship has started? That might be something to bring up early on. Do you expect your partner to spend time with your family on holidays if you're together by that point? Maybe that's something to bring up when it becomes relevant.

Whatever the expectation, failing to meet with your partner's expectation can lead to disastrous complications and it's up to your emotional and cognitive trust to prevent a fight or a separation depending on how intense the expectations are.
Do you expect your partner to stay in the same city as you after graduation? That's something you want to have a discussion about before the time comes so that you know what you should have invested in the relationship- so you can plan ahead. The earlier discussion will also prevent a flood of emotional distress if their expectations don't necessarily line up with yours, since you'll have more time to discuss it down the road.
Ultimately, if your expectations don't line up and you don't talk about it, then you may simply wind up facing a decreasingly happy relationship. The importance of talking with your partner cannot possibly be overstated with regards to expectations. If you don't tell your partner what you want out of the relationship, they will never know without making a lot of half-correct inferences based on your behavior and other context cues you put off. This is equally applicable to your sex life as well. While our culture may have this grand taboo about discussing sex, you will have to talk about your sexual expectations and desires with your partner in order to avoid having a bland and unhappy sex life.
While it can be amazing and romantic if your partner picks up on what you want without you saying anything, it's not very practical, and there's really no harm in telling your partner what you'd like. Do you wish your partner would work out more? Clean the dishes more thoroughly? Call you more often? Take you on weekly dates? Hold your hand in public? Avoid PDAs? Tell them! Have a mature, grown-up discussion about it. And if your partner expects you to not have mature, grown-up discussions with them, then maybe the relationship has some problems to be addressed...
Don't underestimate the power of simple expectations as well as the complex ones. Something as insignificant as only brushing your teeth at night and not when you wake up may end up having a large influence on the happiness of your relationship without you realizing it. That's why you need to talk about it when something bothers you or when you want your partner to do something.
And I know it can be awkward to ask your partner to do something multiple times. Maybe your partner doesn't want to do it, but is avoiding confrontation. Maybe your partner simply forgot. Maybe your partner isn't doing it out of some revenge- regardless of the case, you need to initiate the discussion- not in an accusatory way, mind you, but in an understanding and respectful way that invites compassion! (See all these buzzwords I'm throwing around? They'll be on the test)

6. Argumentation styles- On the topic of initiating discussion, you're gonna' find that most people fall under three categories of discussion/argumentation/confrontation styles. I'm going to be extremely biased towards one, even though all three can lead to successful, long-term relationships.

A. Aggressive- This is your type A personality. Raised voices, highly emotional arguing, and a lot of, frankly, irrational logic. These are highly confrontational people who are often interested in being right or exerting power and influence. People looking for a fight. This type of argumentation seems less inclined towards understanding, emotional trust, and respect, let alone compassion. A typical representation of abusive partners is someone who has an aggressive argumentation style, though I must stress that not all aggressive partners are abusive, and not all abusive partners are aggressive.

If you believe that you or your partner has this argumentation style and it's causing problems in the relationship, it may be worth looking into anger-management, therapy, or possibly a more compatible relationship. Some couples are able to function perfectly with aggressiveness, but if you don't feel that you're one of them, do not subject yourself to treatment like that, which can be highly vitriolic and outwardly hurtful.

B. Avoidant- This argumentation style is characterized by a lot of either passive-aggressiveness or often simply caving into your partner's needs or wants without examining/pushing for your own. Avoidant partners simply don't want to rock the boat, even if it's not healthy for them or the relationship. The partners of aggressive individuals are often either aggressive themselves or avoidant, taking one extreme or the other. The main concern with avoidant partners is that they are more easily capable of being walked on. The needs and wants for avoidant partners are less vocalized and, therefore, less often received unless their partner is someone willing to actively seek out their needs and wants.

C. Respondent- The balance of the other two styles, respondent individuals are willing to talk in order to solve problems, but are reserved enough to avoid emotional outbursts and yelling in most situations. Those who are respondent are more typically people who have not only understanding, respect, and compassion for their partner, but also themselves, which is also incredibly important in any relationship.
Remember, when you're "fighting", you're not at war. You're trying to close a serious emotional or cognitive gap between the two of you. You don't want your partner to lose. What does that gain you? The best outcome is one not focused on winning or losing, but on understanding, respecting, and compromising. This leads to growth for the individuals and the relationship as a whole, while promoting both parties getting needs and wants resolved.


7. Dependency- This is something I'm struggling with a bit myself, but it's something we've all seen. That couple that is together 100% of the time. That couple who collectively stopped having outside friends. Dependency is a very serious issue in relationships, especially if one partner is dependent, but not the other. This is a major disconnect in expectations in the relationship that would need to be discussed immediately before any other progress could be made. However, physical dependence isn't the only kind.
Sometimes, we require the presence or validation of our partner in order to feel remotely worthwhile ourselves. This happens often in abusive relationships as well as relationships with insecurities and self-esteem issues. Being dependent on another person is ultimately bad for your health and bad for the health of the relationship. Until you can love yourself, you cannot love another (or something like that). That's not exactly true, but in order to love someone else, we have to be willing to appreciate ourselves on a fundamental level. Until we can do that, our insecurities will only poison the relationship as well as ourselves. And if the relationship falls apart resulting from our insecurities, then that only services to reinforce our self-esteem issues. It's a gamble that's not worth the pain. If you're not feeling confident, start making changes to your life and your perspective until you are confident. Would working out make you feel confident? How about looking at yourself in the mirror every day and telling yourself that you're beautiful? Be confident in yourself, and then you can be confident in your relationship, and you won't have to depend on the emotional support of your partner to get you through each day.


8. Objective/Subjective- http://atouchofwaddles.blogspot.com/2012/10/objects-and-subjects.html
I already did a blog post on this one, but it's also super important and a lot of things from this tie in, so go read that if you haven't.


Relationships are scary and difficult and time consuming. We have to put ourselves out there, ask questions we're not used to asking. Talk about everything. We have to live in a radically altered way than single life when we're in a relationship- but this is how you grow. This is how you learn.

Which brings me to my last point.

9. Breaking up- Relationships end. Sometimes peaceably, sometimes catastrophically. But most of them end. How it ends is up to you.
But just remember that no relationship is without gain, even if it doesn't seem like it. Every time you go through the song and dance, you learn something new- about yourself, about human nature, about relationships, and yes, about partners. You're going to go through a lot of pain in order to find and maintain love, but if it's worth it to you, then keep up with it. Take the good and the bad and always remember the experiences along the way.
I don't have a single relationship in my memory that was without good times. And honestly, the good times are usually far more vivid than the bad times. If you obsess over the negative, you're going to set yourself up for a bad relationship down the road, where you're expecting the bad to be repeated. If you remember the positives more readily, then new relationships will be associated with those good times, and you'll be that much more excited to jump back into it.

Everyone copes with breaking up differently, but just try to make sure you're respectful about it. Try to have a mature, grown-up discussion about it- whether or not it's salvageable, whether or not you can be friends, whether or not you should give each other back gifts, etc.
Offer and ensure closure. No one likes to end a relationship filled with questions. It makes us depressed and frustrated, and it's just not worth it. You're already breaking up, which is the most awkward kind of interaction, so why should it matter to have a final thirty minute discussion where you hammer out the final details, answer any questions, and part like adults?

Wow. That was long. I am sorry.

-
Waddles