I've had people ask me how I can give such spot on advice and yet be mired in depression with no end in sight, constantly making my own situation worse.
I'd like to answer with an illustration (metaphorical, sorry).
In every relationship I've ever been in, I've attempted to deliberately sabotage myself and my happiness long before the natural end of the relationship would've occurred. Sometimes, I go through with it, sometimes I'm talked out of it. Sometimes my intended sabotage doesn't even conclude- it just is not answered at all. But it never fails that I go out of my way to make myself less happy. Why?
Simple- man's will can be stronger than his logic. The strongest logic in the world can fall to paranoia.
When I convince myself that I'm going to be unhappy, or that she's going to be unhappy, or that things simply won't work out in the end, I drive down a scary dirt-road upon which I have less and less control over the car and the tires are more and more susceptible to getting stuck in the mud. It doesn't matter what logic dictates to me, no matter how strong my logic is. Solving your problem is easy because I don't have a personal, emotional investment into it. Even when I'm involved, if I can examine the problem from a distance, it's easy to have a logical solution.
Right now, I have a solution to all of my problems, but my will is twisted and has overpowered my logic, preying on my fears and insecurities, my heart held captive by its malice.
And so, I grow more convinced each day that I'm in the way. That I'm a detriment- a problem- a hindrance. I'm holding someone back. With that conviction, I merely have to address the obvious conclusion arising from the certainty that I am the source of grief-- I must remove myself so that others may flourish. It's a twisted logic justifiable by my equally crooked will, but I am powerless to fight it, which leads to the inevitable attempt to self-sabotage.
It doesn't matter if it's the best relationship I've ever been in. One that is managing to keep me sane and prevent me from tipping over the edge. If I've convinced myself that I'm a detriment, then regardless of the outcome to me, I try to be "selfless," removing myself from the picture.
It is during the worst of these times that I do not eat and I do not move. It is during these times that I sleep for 12+ hours, accomplishing absolutely nothing productive. And it is during these times that my mood fluctuates as wild as possible.
Were it that this was a rare occurrence, I think I could deal with it, but it's a weekly basis. Adding onto my previous convictions that I'm causing pain, I also am aware of the fact that my constant attempts to sabotage relationships are causing strain in tandem. This services to reinforce my assurances, driving the pain deeper.
It's this cycle that convinces me to walk four miles to try to end my relationship.
Of course, I don't want to. The strength of my logic may not overpower my will, but it can sometimes put up a fight. Some days are far better than others. I can appreciate what I have and what is amazing about life. Some days there's no doubt in my mind. These aren't the average days though. My mood bats back and forth, an endless tennis match, just waiting for my logic to completely give out or for her patience to finally break under the pressure.
Even now, my logic tells me the third option is for me to get better.
But my will tells me I won't.
So that- that is why I can give you advice. Because it's not that my logic has faltered in any way. It's simply that my broken will has overpowered my logic for my own situation.
I'm a self-saboteur.
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Wade
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