Life has looked very promising lately. And I've started to try to grab hold of that promise, making a stand for the things I want, standing firm and unwavering.
But promising is still mostly all it is.
I have many life changes that I've been anticipating for one reason or another. 2014 will be an incredibly crucial year for me; however, I can't help but feel like I'm waiting in line for an amazing ride. I can see it, but the time before getting on the ride is just purgatory.
Graduate school decisions and applications (I need to start preparing for this now though, so it really shouldn't count).
Various friends moving to and from Lexington.
My anti-anxiety medication hasn't started to work yet, leaving me nervous about its primary and side effects (one of which may be total exhaustion, but I'm not positive on this)
Trying new things and meeting new people.
The self improvement I'm staring at before I'll be ready to fall in love.
Games I'm actually excited about designing.
Little budding flowers of confidence popping out of the soil fertilized five months ago.
One of the lessons I ultimately must learn here is the importance of accepting the here and now and making the most out of that time, so I realize that this "waiting" for life period is at odds with what life really is. Perhaps this is the process through which my mind shifts from a global perspective to an individual perspective.
So many unanswerable questions... But at least I probably have the time and energy to dedicate towards solving these curiosities.
Next week, I'll wander my ass back towards controversial opinions- promise!
-
Wade
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Progress Note
This is more for my sake than anyone else's, and also because I forgot to do a post yesterday (oops).
Regarding my progress five days after starting on the anti-anxiety medication "Buspar" and my progress five months after starting on the SSRI Prozac.
I've never had more general hope for where I can take my life than right now. My mood is elevated and stabilized in general. No suicidal ideation, haven't had a mope-in-bed day in months, and my self-image has improved somewhat.
The main side effect I've noted is tremors in my hands and, to a lesser extent, the rest of my body. Originally, I had thought it was simply a one-day thing that I was going to get over, but after the last two months or so, the tremors have not gone away. Fortunately, they don't seem to have gotten any worse either. It's not a debilitating condition by any means. The dexterity I've worked on for years has helped to combat most of the problems that would normally be associated with hand tremors. While this means I may not be able to be an expert marksman anytime soon, I don't find that I'm terribly limited in anything I do normally. I've noticed very rare eye tremors and the inability to accurately focus my sight on a spot, but this only happens during periods of heightened tiredness.
The second it gets bad enough to the point that it affects my typing, I'll start to have serious reservations about continuing.
The discovery that my anxiety was not linked inexorably to my depression was unfortunate, but not surprising. It makes sense that my anxiety was its own beast that had simply helped to reinforce the depression. However, the immediate sensation I'm having is that my anxiety has not dissipated. Of course, it's only been have days, and it takes up to a month to take full effect. Still, I'm becoming more intimately aware of my anxiety ticks. Each time I bite the sides of my fingers, every obsessive thought I have about something that is neither my concern nor something I have control over, every second that I can't get someone out of my head, every detail that I can't figure out, each self-criticism and self-doubt I experience. I catch every single one, and I'm at once critical of the behavior and scared that it will persist, which of course, is a fear brought about by the anxiety itself.
Theoretically, the symptoms of anxiety may "worsen" in the weeks leading up to the end of the first month. I am 0% looking forward to that if it hasn't already started to affect me (which, again, is a valid concern)
I have been presented with a rather large bag of mixed emotions lately, as my zest for game philosophy grows, but so too does this sudden desire to settle down with someone. I fear greatly that I will have the propensity to make irrational decisions based even partially on such an emotionally-laden drive.
Hmm...
Regarding my progress five days after starting on the anti-anxiety medication "Buspar" and my progress five months after starting on the SSRI Prozac.
I've never had more general hope for where I can take my life than right now. My mood is elevated and stabilized in general. No suicidal ideation, haven't had a mope-in-bed day in months, and my self-image has improved somewhat.
The main side effect I've noted is tremors in my hands and, to a lesser extent, the rest of my body. Originally, I had thought it was simply a one-day thing that I was going to get over, but after the last two months or so, the tremors have not gone away. Fortunately, they don't seem to have gotten any worse either. It's not a debilitating condition by any means. The dexterity I've worked on for years has helped to combat most of the problems that would normally be associated with hand tremors. While this means I may not be able to be an expert marksman anytime soon, I don't find that I'm terribly limited in anything I do normally. I've noticed very rare eye tremors and the inability to accurately focus my sight on a spot, but this only happens during periods of heightened tiredness.
The second it gets bad enough to the point that it affects my typing, I'll start to have serious reservations about continuing.
The discovery that my anxiety was not linked inexorably to my depression was unfortunate, but not surprising. It makes sense that my anxiety was its own beast that had simply helped to reinforce the depression. However, the immediate sensation I'm having is that my anxiety has not dissipated. Of course, it's only been have days, and it takes up to a month to take full effect. Still, I'm becoming more intimately aware of my anxiety ticks. Each time I bite the sides of my fingers, every obsessive thought I have about something that is neither my concern nor something I have control over, every second that I can't get someone out of my head, every detail that I can't figure out, each self-criticism and self-doubt I experience. I catch every single one, and I'm at once critical of the behavior and scared that it will persist, which of course, is a fear brought about by the anxiety itself.
Theoretically, the symptoms of anxiety may "worsen" in the weeks leading up to the end of the first month. I am 0% looking forward to that if it hasn't already started to affect me (which, again, is a valid concern)
I have been presented with a rather large bag of mixed emotions lately, as my zest for game philosophy grows, but so too does this sudden desire to settle down with someone. I fear greatly that I will have the propensity to make irrational decisions based even partially on such an emotionally-laden drive.
Hmm...
Friday, January 17, 2014
Experimentation
So I saw my psychiatrist this week to finally address an issue I'd realized;
My anxiety is not tied directly to my depression. The two are separate issues. The last few months saw me obsessing over some things in a manner highly reminiscent of my nastiest times during the depression, but with the key difference that I wasn't unhappy. Just insecure.
Well, I've started taking an anti-anxiety medication that is theoretically supposed to simply raise the minimum level a stimuli will have to reach in order to trigger my stress.
I only just started it today, and I haven't had enough going on to be able to tell whether or not it's working (if I was to assume that it starts day of in the first place, which I doubt).
As much as I had been putting off seeing a psychiatrist for the last three years, SSRIs turned out to be a totally painless and benign process that did nothing but help me out. Relatively few side effects, if any, and I feel worlds better. Of course, the me of the past didn't have the motivation or energy to seek help most of the time, and even if he did, he feared the consequences too much to follow through.
Pulling yourself out of a nosedive is a difficult process. The symptoms of the problem reinforce the problem itself; a nasty feedback-loop that, if it goes unchecked for long, will create a nearly irreversible situation. Unfortunately, it took four+ years and some, in retrospect, incredibly loud warning signals for that problem to hit a fork in the road for me.
I was either going to be swallowed by the problem, or I was going to conquer it.
My initial attempts to conquer it were tentative. I'd sought therapy, but I'd refused to consider medication. I confided in my girlfriend at the time, but I'd refused to talk to virtually anyone else. I lived like an airbender, trying to find a way around a problem staring me in the face. However, try as I might, the problem advanced. It was only after being completely backed into a corner that I fought as an earthbender would. I staunchly stood my ground and took control of the battle with my emotions.
Some problems cannot be cleverly side-stepped. Some perspectives are simply ineffective for confronting certain issues.
This is a lesson I need to reinforce, and one I would urge everyone to at least consider. That thing that feels uncomfortable to you; the thing you don't want to do, even though you secretly do.
Confront it. And then, when the fight is over, pick yourself up, and take the next available opportunity to confront it again. Each time, learning how you deal with this struggle, and how best to approach the battle. Each time, picking up new tidbits of information and emotions associated with the issue, growing stronger and more resilient as you continue.
Even if it's something as simple as reaching out to a stranger and complimenting them. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Sometimes we forget to alter our perspectives once we get stuck into a pattern. This forces complacency and stagnancy into our daily lives as we hurry through a habitually-created rut. It's true that habits are comfortable, and I would argue necessary to sustaining life. But we have to remind ourselves out to do away with them once in a while. Often, our habits are neither healthy, nor long-term sustainable. Re-examine and act.
My anxiety is not tied directly to my depression. The two are separate issues. The last few months saw me obsessing over some things in a manner highly reminiscent of my nastiest times during the depression, but with the key difference that I wasn't unhappy. Just insecure.
Well, I've started taking an anti-anxiety medication that is theoretically supposed to simply raise the minimum level a stimuli will have to reach in order to trigger my stress.
I only just started it today, and I haven't had enough going on to be able to tell whether or not it's working (if I was to assume that it starts day of in the first place, which I doubt).
As much as I had been putting off seeing a psychiatrist for the last three years, SSRIs turned out to be a totally painless and benign process that did nothing but help me out. Relatively few side effects, if any, and I feel worlds better. Of course, the me of the past didn't have the motivation or energy to seek help most of the time, and even if he did, he feared the consequences too much to follow through.
Pulling yourself out of a nosedive is a difficult process. The symptoms of the problem reinforce the problem itself; a nasty feedback-loop that, if it goes unchecked for long, will create a nearly irreversible situation. Unfortunately, it took four+ years and some, in retrospect, incredibly loud warning signals for that problem to hit a fork in the road for me.
I was either going to be swallowed by the problem, or I was going to conquer it.
My initial attempts to conquer it were tentative. I'd sought therapy, but I'd refused to consider medication. I confided in my girlfriend at the time, but I'd refused to talk to virtually anyone else. I lived like an airbender, trying to find a way around a problem staring me in the face. However, try as I might, the problem advanced. It was only after being completely backed into a corner that I fought as an earthbender would. I staunchly stood my ground and took control of the battle with my emotions.
Some problems cannot be cleverly side-stepped. Some perspectives are simply ineffective for confronting certain issues.
This is a lesson I need to reinforce, and one I would urge everyone to at least consider. That thing that feels uncomfortable to you; the thing you don't want to do, even though you secretly do.
Confront it. And then, when the fight is over, pick yourself up, and take the next available opportunity to confront it again. Each time, learning how you deal with this struggle, and how best to approach the battle. Each time, picking up new tidbits of information and emotions associated with the issue, growing stronger and more resilient as you continue.
Even if it's something as simple as reaching out to a stranger and complimenting them. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Sometimes we forget to alter our perspectives once we get stuck into a pattern. This forces complacency and stagnancy into our daily lives as we hurry through a habitually-created rut. It's true that habits are comfortable, and I would argue necessary to sustaining life. But we have to remind ourselves out to do away with them once in a while. Often, our habits are neither healthy, nor long-term sustainable. Re-examine and act.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Admissions
On Monday, I was chatting with two dear friends and I wound up saying something I'd been relatively scared of saying out loud up until this point. In fact, I said two things that I wasn't super comfortable telling others about.
I decided that's bunk, and I should probably be open and aware of the things I'm otherwise scared to admit.
So if you want to avoid a big ol' look into my crazy psyche, now's the time to bail on this blog post.
I want to get married. Like, really badly. I don't know if it's my biological clock, the fact that others are getting married around me, or what exactly, but sometime in the last year, I started thinking a lot more about settling down. I know I'm no where near ready for something like this, but it strikes me as odd that I could go from being terrified of long-term commitment and getting "stuck" to just wanting the chase to be done with.
I'm not comfortable with hugging too many people. In fact, physical touch in general makes me mildly uncomfortable. By and large, it's male touch that makes me more uncomfortable, and again, I don't really know why. It's possible there's an orientation fear in there and my brain is scared of opening myself up to possibilities.
I'm highly obsessive. Ever since high school, when there's something I'm relatively passionate about, it gets stuck in my mind all day. Few minutes go by where I don't think about whatever it is I'm obsessed with that day. Today, it's the game I'm designing and how I can try to finagle the mechanics such that my intent is achieved while function is not limited. Often, it's the women I'm interested in. My obsession is linked in some way to my anxiety in that I get overly anxious and paranoid when I obsess about my social connections. Even with my platonic friends, I find myself thinking too much and too often about their thoughts that I cannot have access to. I am a glutton for knowledge of a very particular kind; I love knowing what people are thinking, and when I suspect that the knowledge I have therein is lacking or that someone is deceiving me about their thoughts, I obsess over it to a high degree. An unhealthy degree, actually.
My intent is to talk to my psychiatrist about this and hopefully see what curbing my anxiety does to help this issue.
I worry that my moderate views on feminism make a good portion of my friends view me with disdain and/or incredulity. I cannot blame them if such is the case. I seem to be actively challenging everyone from every philosophical standpoint. And not necessarily because I think every standpoint is wrong, but because I think every group has flaws, and it's far more difficult to point out flaws from within (even this post is taking a lot out of me). Of course, the catch is that by not being steeped in a culture that I'm critiquing, I may be missing integral facts or ideas that would ultimately eliminate my criticisms. And therein lies the next admission
I doubt myself almost 100% of the time when it comes to matters of philosophy. I speak because it's the only way to start a discussion and get thoughts out, but I'm never certain about the truth value of my logic. My self-doubt seems to temper some humility, but it's entirely possible, then, that thinking I'm humble as a result of my self-doubt is entirely biased and egotistical. I am more cautious than those who are certain of themselves, but does that make me more correct? More wise? More capable? My instinctual thought is probably, but there again would be egotism incarnate. Socrates said that his only wisdom was in his knowledge of his own ignorance. However, people who are certain achieve results. People who are certain have followings, ambition, drive, passion. Whether or not it is wise, it works. So I must again doubt my own path.
I've been starting conversations about sex with people I absolutely shouldn't be as a result of hormones and loneliness.
It's super duper stupid and lead to the disaster in my life known as Shea. And still I allow myself to make these terrible choices.
I have not been able to reconcile my sincerity with my love of teasing. For example, on this blog? With my brother? When prompted specifically for it? I am as sincere as I know how to be. I watch what I say and calculate each word arduously, ensuring I don't miscommunicate any part of my message if at all possible. However, in other contexts, I tease and I play, which often comes in the form of playful insults between friends. The result of that is being seen as asshole. I am not comfortable with that label because I do think that I'm sincere when it counts 99% of the time. However, I also don't often let people know that they can turn to me and that I want to hear their thoughts (both are true). I don't often give people the reassurance they probably want or need. This is something I'm trying to work on, but have pretty obvious shortcomings on.
I'm incredibly possessive, and I don't know if it's from a lack of trust or total insecurity, anxiety, or what exactly. I am viscerally discomforted by the idea of people I care about doing things I don't "approve" of, even if it doesn't affect me in any way, shape, or form. The knowledge that someone is doing something I don't want them to is enough to make me stressed. This is an obvious problem in a great number of ways, and I wish I knew what steps I could take in order to accept that the only life that's mine is my own.
I'm not nearly the strategist I pretend to be. I can't calculate two moves ahead. Rather, my strength lays in my ability to adapt to a situation as it unfolds, making it seem like I can predict actions before they happen. In reality, it's just a decent reaction speed. This is where my brother has me beat by a mile.
I worry that the fact that I basically don't read books ever makes people see me as uncultured, unintelligent, boring, lazy, and/or uninteresting. This definitely stems from my lack of self-esteem.
I'm absolutely terrified of becoming my father in so many ways. One of them is something I've already become; emotionally manipulative. I don't intend to do it (that absolutely doesn't make it okay), but my feelings of inadequacy and self-hate have allowed me to control situations in ways that are externally rewarding, thus reinforcing the behavior. I have been deliberately trying very hard to nip these behaviors in the bud, but I'm scared that any expression of self-doubt (like this blog post) is seen now as an attempt to manipulate my environment. Moreover, I'm scared that any expression like that IS an attempt to manipulate my environment unconsciously.
I worry that my perspective is neither sought, nor wanted, nor appreciated when it's given. I worry it's not my place to give that perspective in the first place. What right do I, a straight, white male, have to give an opinion on the hardships anyone else experiences? Or are all perspectives valuable in some context or another? Are people allowed to expect others not to offer their opinion when it's unsolicited?
Am I drifting away from my friends? Are they drifting away from me? Does that upset them at all? Does it upset me at all?
I worry over the opinions people have about me being a picky eater. I worry about causing inconvenience, stress, exasperation, and judgment by my near refusal to try new things until the last month.
Despite the fact that I choose my words carefully when I'm sending a deliberate message that I'm invested in, whenever I need to write a paper or a poem or what have you, I just wing it. I put virtually no thought into it. Ramshackled links of words and ideas that sound mildly good in my head, that I often never look back at a second time.
I don't want to open up to individual people, because I fear they won't have time, interest, energy, or care enough for me. So, I rarely let people in to the private thoughts I have. As a result, I can see myself possibly turning into the woman I take the most inspiration from; someone who's too aware and too afraid to be vulnerable for the potential damage it can cause. I want desperately to be able to be vulnerable, but there are always roadblocks and excuses not to.
That's all for today I think. Lots of thoughts careening around- must decompress.
This is not a plea for attention from anyone. This is my desire to be more vulnerable and open about my thoughts, and the best way to start is to be open to the nebulous entity known as the internet. Then I can move on to being open to my friends, family, and loved ones.
I decided that's bunk, and I should probably be open and aware of the things I'm otherwise scared to admit.
So if you want to avoid a big ol' look into my crazy psyche, now's the time to bail on this blog post.
I want to get married. Like, really badly. I don't know if it's my biological clock, the fact that others are getting married around me, or what exactly, but sometime in the last year, I started thinking a lot more about settling down. I know I'm no where near ready for something like this, but it strikes me as odd that I could go from being terrified of long-term commitment and getting "stuck" to just wanting the chase to be done with.
I'm not comfortable with hugging too many people. In fact, physical touch in general makes me mildly uncomfortable. By and large, it's male touch that makes me more uncomfortable, and again, I don't really know why. It's possible there's an orientation fear in there and my brain is scared of opening myself up to possibilities.
I'm highly obsessive. Ever since high school, when there's something I'm relatively passionate about, it gets stuck in my mind all day. Few minutes go by where I don't think about whatever it is I'm obsessed with that day. Today, it's the game I'm designing and how I can try to finagle the mechanics such that my intent is achieved while function is not limited. Often, it's the women I'm interested in. My obsession is linked in some way to my anxiety in that I get overly anxious and paranoid when I obsess about my social connections. Even with my platonic friends, I find myself thinking too much and too often about their thoughts that I cannot have access to. I am a glutton for knowledge of a very particular kind; I love knowing what people are thinking, and when I suspect that the knowledge I have therein is lacking or that someone is deceiving me about their thoughts, I obsess over it to a high degree. An unhealthy degree, actually.
My intent is to talk to my psychiatrist about this and hopefully see what curbing my anxiety does to help this issue.
I worry that my moderate views on feminism make a good portion of my friends view me with disdain and/or incredulity. I cannot blame them if such is the case. I seem to be actively challenging everyone from every philosophical standpoint. And not necessarily because I think every standpoint is wrong, but because I think every group has flaws, and it's far more difficult to point out flaws from within (even this post is taking a lot out of me). Of course, the catch is that by not being steeped in a culture that I'm critiquing, I may be missing integral facts or ideas that would ultimately eliminate my criticisms. And therein lies the next admission
I doubt myself almost 100% of the time when it comes to matters of philosophy. I speak because it's the only way to start a discussion and get thoughts out, but I'm never certain about the truth value of my logic. My self-doubt seems to temper some humility, but it's entirely possible, then, that thinking I'm humble as a result of my self-doubt is entirely biased and egotistical. I am more cautious than those who are certain of themselves, but does that make me more correct? More wise? More capable? My instinctual thought is probably, but there again would be egotism incarnate. Socrates said that his only wisdom was in his knowledge of his own ignorance. However, people who are certain achieve results. People who are certain have followings, ambition, drive, passion. Whether or not it is wise, it works. So I must again doubt my own path.
I've been starting conversations about sex with people I absolutely shouldn't be as a result of hormones and loneliness.
It's super duper stupid and lead to the disaster in my life known as Shea. And still I allow myself to make these terrible choices.
I have not been able to reconcile my sincerity with my love of teasing. For example, on this blog? With my brother? When prompted specifically for it? I am as sincere as I know how to be. I watch what I say and calculate each word arduously, ensuring I don't miscommunicate any part of my message if at all possible. However, in other contexts, I tease and I play, which often comes in the form of playful insults between friends. The result of that is being seen as asshole. I am not comfortable with that label because I do think that I'm sincere when it counts 99% of the time. However, I also don't often let people know that they can turn to me and that I want to hear their thoughts (both are true). I don't often give people the reassurance they probably want or need. This is something I'm trying to work on, but have pretty obvious shortcomings on.
I'm incredibly possessive, and I don't know if it's from a lack of trust or total insecurity, anxiety, or what exactly. I am viscerally discomforted by the idea of people I care about doing things I don't "approve" of, even if it doesn't affect me in any way, shape, or form. The knowledge that someone is doing something I don't want them to is enough to make me stressed. This is an obvious problem in a great number of ways, and I wish I knew what steps I could take in order to accept that the only life that's mine is my own.
I'm not nearly the strategist I pretend to be. I can't calculate two moves ahead. Rather, my strength lays in my ability to adapt to a situation as it unfolds, making it seem like I can predict actions before they happen. In reality, it's just a decent reaction speed. This is where my brother has me beat by a mile.
I worry that the fact that I basically don't read books ever makes people see me as uncultured, unintelligent, boring, lazy, and/or uninteresting. This definitely stems from my lack of self-esteem.
I'm absolutely terrified of becoming my father in so many ways. One of them is something I've already become; emotionally manipulative. I don't intend to do it (that absolutely doesn't make it okay), but my feelings of inadequacy and self-hate have allowed me to control situations in ways that are externally rewarding, thus reinforcing the behavior. I have been deliberately trying very hard to nip these behaviors in the bud, but I'm scared that any expression of self-doubt (like this blog post) is seen now as an attempt to manipulate my environment. Moreover, I'm scared that any expression like that IS an attempt to manipulate my environment unconsciously.
I worry that my perspective is neither sought, nor wanted, nor appreciated when it's given. I worry it's not my place to give that perspective in the first place. What right do I, a straight, white male, have to give an opinion on the hardships anyone else experiences? Or are all perspectives valuable in some context or another? Are people allowed to expect others not to offer their opinion when it's unsolicited?
Am I drifting away from my friends? Are they drifting away from me? Does that upset them at all? Does it upset me at all?
I worry over the opinions people have about me being a picky eater. I worry about causing inconvenience, stress, exasperation, and judgment by my near refusal to try new things until the last month.
Despite the fact that I choose my words carefully when I'm sending a deliberate message that I'm invested in, whenever I need to write a paper or a poem or what have you, I just wing it. I put virtually no thought into it. Ramshackled links of words and ideas that sound mildly good in my head, that I often never look back at a second time.
I don't want to open up to individual people, because I fear they won't have time, interest, energy, or care enough for me. So, I rarely let people in to the private thoughts I have. As a result, I can see myself possibly turning into the woman I take the most inspiration from; someone who's too aware and too afraid to be vulnerable for the potential damage it can cause. I want desperately to be able to be vulnerable, but there are always roadblocks and excuses not to.
That's all for today I think. Lots of thoughts careening around- must decompress.
This is not a plea for attention from anyone. This is my desire to be more vulnerable and open about my thoughts, and the best way to start is to be open to the nebulous entity known as the internet. Then I can move on to being open to my friends, family, and loved ones.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Out With the Old...
It wasn't exactly a new year's resolution, since I don't feel like self-improvement should be set to the calendar, but I decided to try on a new attitude recently. Inspired by my trip to Venice and someone who neither tried to influence me nor who is likely to read this blog, it seemed the perfect time to start trying new things.
In particular, new foods have been the main driving force here. For those who know me well, I'm a terribly picky eater. I'm actually uncomfortable with the idea of eating food I'm not familiar with. Like, it stresses me out badly. So this has been big for me.
Black ink risotto
Fried calamari
Sausage pizza
Shot of vodka
A number of mysterious Venetian chocolates
Peanuts (for someone who loves peanut butter, I know how absurd this is)
Sunflower butter fake-Reese's.
I also complimented a flight attendant who had a cute hat/haircut combo while stuck in JFK for 9 hours.
It's a small start, but it's valuable to me. This attitude helped me to do something I never would've done before now last night; I went to a Reddit meetup at a stranger's house for boardgames. My roommate and a good friend of ours went along with, but it was actually a great time. The host was a really down-to-earth guy who seemed polite, fun, interesting, and comfortable.
It's not easy, but it's important to my development, and I shouldn't have waited this long to start pushing out of my bubble. Seriously, this is terrifying. But, as with all things, it gets easier every time I push myself.
Given my philosophy that complacency and stagnancy are incredibly dangerous and basically at the heart of human fault, it has been a long-standing hypocrisy of mine to refuse to try new foods, and to a lesser extent, new things in general. I do not believe that humankind can progress without knowing what options exist to it; what ways of living haven't been explored; what perspectives remain unexamined. We are creatures of habit, there's no doubt about this. And in fact, some philosophers have suggested that habitual living is ideal, since it allows us to spend our brainpower on "higher thought" rather than the mundane aspects of day-to-day living. However, I don't believe that it's ever healthy to take for granted the environment that we're currently in. If we fail to constantly re-examine our situations, then we're going to miss the subtle changes of hue and shape in the landscape surrounding us. While subtle, these changes can nevertheless be incredibly important. Even when our world appears to be unchanging, it's excellent practice to step back and evaluate what/who it is that surrounds you, whether or not you're happy, what changes you could be making to your life for the better, and where you intend on going in the near future.
This is a very pragmatic philosophy, in keeping with my worldview.
You may figure out the mysteries of the universe, or come up with a unified theory of justice, but if you're not happy; if you're not growing; if you're not experiencing life, then you're still going to wither away. We seek habits because they are comforting, but we thrive on change. Change fertilizes our soil, giving us wild new ideas from which we can learn, develop, and help to fertilize others. Not only that, but when we accept the myriad perspectives in the world as viable, our fear and prejudices begin to wane. Our hatred is replaced with curiosity and intrigue. Passion and love.
I may not be very good at it yet, but I'm trying to embrace this change.
It's important to me at least.
In particular, new foods have been the main driving force here. For those who know me well, I'm a terribly picky eater. I'm actually uncomfortable with the idea of eating food I'm not familiar with. Like, it stresses me out badly. So this has been big for me.
Black ink risotto
Fried calamari
Sausage pizza
Shot of vodka
A number of mysterious Venetian chocolates
Peanuts (for someone who loves peanut butter, I know how absurd this is)
Sunflower butter fake-Reese's.
I also complimented a flight attendant who had a cute hat/haircut combo while stuck in JFK for 9 hours.
It's a small start, but it's valuable to me. This attitude helped me to do something I never would've done before now last night; I went to a Reddit meetup at a stranger's house for boardgames. My roommate and a good friend of ours went along with, but it was actually a great time. The host was a really down-to-earth guy who seemed polite, fun, interesting, and comfortable.
It's not easy, but it's important to my development, and I shouldn't have waited this long to start pushing out of my bubble. Seriously, this is terrifying. But, as with all things, it gets easier every time I push myself.
Given my philosophy that complacency and stagnancy are incredibly dangerous and basically at the heart of human fault, it has been a long-standing hypocrisy of mine to refuse to try new foods, and to a lesser extent, new things in general. I do not believe that humankind can progress without knowing what options exist to it; what ways of living haven't been explored; what perspectives remain unexamined. We are creatures of habit, there's no doubt about this. And in fact, some philosophers have suggested that habitual living is ideal, since it allows us to spend our brainpower on "higher thought" rather than the mundane aspects of day-to-day living. However, I don't believe that it's ever healthy to take for granted the environment that we're currently in. If we fail to constantly re-examine our situations, then we're going to miss the subtle changes of hue and shape in the landscape surrounding us. While subtle, these changes can nevertheless be incredibly important. Even when our world appears to be unchanging, it's excellent practice to step back and evaluate what/who it is that surrounds you, whether or not you're happy, what changes you could be making to your life for the better, and where you intend on going in the near future.
This is a very pragmatic philosophy, in keeping with my worldview.
You may figure out the mysteries of the universe, or come up with a unified theory of justice, but if you're not happy; if you're not growing; if you're not experiencing life, then you're still going to wither away. We seek habits because they are comforting, but we thrive on change. Change fertilizes our soil, giving us wild new ideas from which we can learn, develop, and help to fertilize others. Not only that, but when we accept the myriad perspectives in the world as viable, our fear and prejudices begin to wane. Our hatred is replaced with curiosity and intrigue. Passion and love.
I may not be very good at it yet, but I'm trying to embrace this change.
It's important to me at least.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Tunnelvision and You
Alright, I'm gonna' start this one off nice and aggressively:
Feminism-
MRA-
Both of your groups have a lot of members who have some nasty-ass tunnelvision, and it's pissing me off.
I get that you feel disenfranchised for whatever reason, legitimate or otherwise. I get that many of your gripes have a place at the discussion table. And I get that, above all else, as a white, straight(ish) male, I will never understand the pain, fear, and discomfort many people go through on a daily basis. So whatever I have to say now is being colored with that bias. Feel free to call me out on it at any point.
This article on cyber harassment, threats, and bullying has got me mildly infuriated. Not because it's suggesting that men bully women and that women don't feel welcome on the internet. Both of those are true and I'm not about to debate them at all.
What upsets me is the framing of this issue; as men vs. women. This classic trope that feminism has a tendency to push, which is fair for a great many reasons, not the least of which being that there's a huge discrimination gap resulting from the power differential between men and women.
However, this trope has one really nasty, glaring flaw:
It ignores everyone else.
If the next civil rights movement is for women on the internet, what happens to the LGBQ community? What about transgendered individuals who have a hard enough time being heard in the realm of feminism as it is? What about ethnic, religious, and cultural minorities? Disabled persons? Overweight individuals? People who don't fit the standard model of attractiveness?
This isn't a men vs. women issue. That's a symptom of the issue. The issue is that our culture is divisive, cruel, unrelenting, othering, and full of asshole tendencies. Not just our culture, but humanity itself seems to have this problem.
To frame this another way, let's look at this like a pyramid.
It's not my favorite visual example, but it'll have to do. The problem I have is when people try to fight the "system" of the pyramid, but taking one or multiple sections and trying to duke it out with the top section over issues of ascendance. On its face, it looks like a valiant quest that is both justifiable and reasonable.
And to some extent, it absolutely is. This system sucks. It's shitty, and it needs to go away. Forever.
However, what's frustrating me is the methodology here; fighting individual sections of the pyramid against each other is going to accomplish one of two things, if history has taught us anything:
1. The winner of the fight is going to subjugate the loser by forcing them lower on the pyramid.
2. The fighting will eventually cease and the lower section(s) will move up closer to the higher section.
If you'll notice, neither option, historically, has fought the actual pyramid. This is because of what I like to call the "I got mine, fuck you" syndrome that people have. Everyone in the lower echelons of society is all about equality... Until they're equal. Then they stop caring because it no longer personally affects them.
This results in things like bigotry against lesbians and transgendered individuals within the feminist community, racial division amongst males, "manliness" divisions amongst males, cultural and genetic divisions, sexual and identity divisions, religious divisions, opinion divisions, etc.
I'm not saying we need to stop fighting for equality; heaven forbid. I'm saying that you're all fighting the system using the rules that the system set up. A fundamentally counterproductive and counter intuitive endeavor. You're going to change the location of the pyramid's sections, but you're not changing the existence of the sections or the pyramid itself. As a result, when the fighting is over, you're going to have people on the bottom and people on the top, same as always.
This is a problem with the culture of humanity; we do not empathize. We do not sympathize. We do not give concessions. We do not hold out hands. We do not assist. We strive for ourselves and no others. I can't believe how much of a Jesus approach I'm taking on this, but come on people. We have to frame this issue as one inherent in the way we raise our children. Inherent in the way we treat our peers. Inherent in our social structures, political structures, economic structures, and infrastructures. This is not a problem that can be dealt with by individually assailing one problem with equality that you feel passionate about, it's a problem that must be dealt with by stepping back and re-evaluating what it is that we mean when we say "equality." Re-evaluating our own personal philosophies.
We all like to act as though we're for total equality and a peaceful world, but when was the last time you were an asshole to someone? Anyone at all- doesn't matter if you think they deserved it or not. All the better if they didn't deserve it though. When was the last time you judged someone? Made fun of someone? Looked down on someone?
It sucks to admit this, but even we "enlightened" are so incredibly guilty. When was the last time I saw a homeless person and treated them like a true human being with dreams, thoughts, emotions, fears, pains, and joys? I'm not sure I ever have, and it's making my soul bleed a little.
When was the last time I had a racist thought, even though I knew it was wrong?
When was the last time I judged someone for their taste in religion, music, TV, entertainment, books, fashion, or thought in general?
When was the last time I judged someone for their ignorance? For their cowardice? For their anger? For any shortcoming?
When was the last time I judged someone based purely on physical appearance?
I'm actually a little disgusted with myself when I answer these questions in earnest.
Can you say you're any better?
Every time we perpetuate these thoughts, we reinforce the foundations upon which the pyramid was built. The foundation that people are not equal. That we are inherently different from each other. That there's an "us" and a "them." That our sins are fundamentally different from the sins of others.
A war using the rules of the game just legitimizes the game's existence. (To abruptly switch metaphors)
If you want to destroy "chess," you can't simply win at chess. It may make you better at chess. Even the best at chess. But being the best does not mean that chess has been conquered. Only that its presence has been legitimized by your behavior. To dismantle chess, you can't use the rules that have been laid out for you. You have to pick up the board and put it in the proverbial trashcan.
I cannot say how exactly humanity can stop playing by the rules of this wretched game; only that we are indeed playing by the rules of it, and that by extension, we are not harming the existence of the game at all.
So you, MRAs; have at me.
And you, feminists; have at me.
Tell me I don't understand, and I will agree with you. Tell me I am ignorant, and I will agree with you. Tell me I am biased, and I will agree with you. Tell me my methods and my answers are incomplete, and I will agree with you. Tell me I am a hypocrite, and I will agree with you. Tell me that I am part of the problem, and I will agree with you.
I accept this. Maybe it will not be the necessary first step to changing how I and how humanity functions. But I believe it's the first step to fully recognizing the faulty structure in which we function. Maybe then we can destroy the game.
Feminism-
MRA-
Both of your groups have a lot of members who have some nasty-ass tunnelvision, and it's pissing me off.
I get that you feel disenfranchised for whatever reason, legitimate or otherwise. I get that many of your gripes have a place at the discussion table. And I get that, above all else, as a white, straight(ish) male, I will never understand the pain, fear, and discomfort many people go through on a daily basis. So whatever I have to say now is being colored with that bias. Feel free to call me out on it at any point.
This article on cyber harassment, threats, and bullying has got me mildly infuriated. Not because it's suggesting that men bully women and that women don't feel welcome on the internet. Both of those are true and I'm not about to debate them at all.
What upsets me is the framing of this issue; as men vs. women. This classic trope that feminism has a tendency to push, which is fair for a great many reasons, not the least of which being that there's a huge discrimination gap resulting from the power differential between men and women.
However, this trope has one really nasty, glaring flaw:
It ignores everyone else.
If the next civil rights movement is for women on the internet, what happens to the LGBQ community? What about transgendered individuals who have a hard enough time being heard in the realm of feminism as it is? What about ethnic, religious, and cultural minorities? Disabled persons? Overweight individuals? People who don't fit the standard model of attractiveness?
This isn't a men vs. women issue. That's a symptom of the issue. The issue is that our culture is divisive, cruel, unrelenting, othering, and full of asshole tendencies. Not just our culture, but humanity itself seems to have this problem.
To frame this another way, let's look at this like a pyramid.
It's not my favorite visual example, but it'll have to do. The problem I have is when people try to fight the "system" of the pyramid, but taking one or multiple sections and trying to duke it out with the top section over issues of ascendance. On its face, it looks like a valiant quest that is both justifiable and reasonable.
And to some extent, it absolutely is. This system sucks. It's shitty, and it needs to go away. Forever.
However, what's frustrating me is the methodology here; fighting individual sections of the pyramid against each other is going to accomplish one of two things, if history has taught us anything:
1. The winner of the fight is going to subjugate the loser by forcing them lower on the pyramid.
2. The fighting will eventually cease and the lower section(s) will move up closer to the higher section.
If you'll notice, neither option, historically, has fought the actual pyramid. This is because of what I like to call the "I got mine, fuck you" syndrome that people have. Everyone in the lower echelons of society is all about equality... Until they're equal. Then they stop caring because it no longer personally affects them.
This results in things like bigotry against lesbians and transgendered individuals within the feminist community, racial division amongst males, "manliness" divisions amongst males, cultural and genetic divisions, sexual and identity divisions, religious divisions, opinion divisions, etc.
I'm not saying we need to stop fighting for equality; heaven forbid. I'm saying that you're all fighting the system using the rules that the system set up. A fundamentally counterproductive and counter intuitive endeavor. You're going to change the location of the pyramid's sections, but you're not changing the existence of the sections or the pyramid itself. As a result, when the fighting is over, you're going to have people on the bottom and people on the top, same as always.
This is a problem with the culture of humanity; we do not empathize. We do not sympathize. We do not give concessions. We do not hold out hands. We do not assist. We strive for ourselves and no others. I can't believe how much of a Jesus approach I'm taking on this, but come on people. We have to frame this issue as one inherent in the way we raise our children. Inherent in the way we treat our peers. Inherent in our social structures, political structures, economic structures, and infrastructures. This is not a problem that can be dealt with by individually assailing one problem with equality that you feel passionate about, it's a problem that must be dealt with by stepping back and re-evaluating what it is that we mean when we say "equality." Re-evaluating our own personal philosophies.
We all like to act as though we're for total equality and a peaceful world, but when was the last time you were an asshole to someone? Anyone at all- doesn't matter if you think they deserved it or not. All the better if they didn't deserve it though. When was the last time you judged someone? Made fun of someone? Looked down on someone?
It sucks to admit this, but even we "enlightened" are so incredibly guilty. When was the last time I saw a homeless person and treated them like a true human being with dreams, thoughts, emotions, fears, pains, and joys? I'm not sure I ever have, and it's making my soul bleed a little.
When was the last time I had a racist thought, even though I knew it was wrong?
When was the last time I judged someone for their taste in religion, music, TV, entertainment, books, fashion, or thought in general?
When was the last time I judged someone for their ignorance? For their cowardice? For their anger? For any shortcoming?
When was the last time I judged someone based purely on physical appearance?
I'm actually a little disgusted with myself when I answer these questions in earnest.
Can you say you're any better?
Every time we perpetuate these thoughts, we reinforce the foundations upon which the pyramid was built. The foundation that people are not equal. That we are inherently different from each other. That there's an "us" and a "them." That our sins are fundamentally different from the sins of others.
A war using the rules of the game just legitimizes the game's existence. (To abruptly switch metaphors)
If you want to destroy "chess," you can't simply win at chess. It may make you better at chess. Even the best at chess. But being the best does not mean that chess has been conquered. Only that its presence has been legitimized by your behavior. To dismantle chess, you can't use the rules that have been laid out for you. You have to pick up the board and put it in the proverbial trashcan.
I cannot say how exactly humanity can stop playing by the rules of this wretched game; only that we are indeed playing by the rules of it, and that by extension, we are not harming the existence of the game at all.
So you, MRAs; have at me.
And you, feminists; have at me.
Tell me I don't understand, and I will agree with you. Tell me I am ignorant, and I will agree with you. Tell me I am biased, and I will agree with you. Tell me my methods and my answers are incomplete, and I will agree with you. Tell me I am a hypocrite, and I will agree with you. Tell me that I am part of the problem, and I will agree with you.
I accept this. Maybe it will not be the necessary first step to changing how I and how humanity functions. But I believe it's the first step to fully recognizing the faulty structure in which we function. Maybe then we can destroy the game.
Monday, January 6, 2014
First Thoughts Upon Returning
Okay, I have a million thoughts now that I'm back in the states. Like, it's actually difficult to categorize how many things I have floating around out of reach.
So, instead of doing anything in-depth just yet, I'm going to make some general notes:
1. Everyone has rose-colored glasses for geographic locations and cultures. People don't realistically see the problems that a society has when they're in love with it.
2. Everyone in Italy smokes.
3. Everyone in Italy is far more formal and moderate than Americans. We're more extreme, either more or less eccentric than average. We're more emotive and expressive- more likely to be happy, angry, sad, etc. in public. This isn't necessarily good or bad, but I think it makes people far more boring.
4. Systems hold your hand in America for fear of accidentally leading you to believe that a stupid action is either safe or correct. Foreign lands don't seem to give a shit if you get lost because of horribly nonsensical signs and directions. Again, not necessarily good or bad, and frankly, I think America could stand to do a little less hand-holding. But the French? Oof. They're intentionally convoluted.
5. Everyone thinks they're better than everyone else. Moral of the story: We're all arrogant and pretentious fucks. We're all flawed. We're all opinionated, and we all think our opinions are best.
6. No one is fat outside of America.
7. Holy shit, foreign women are gorgeous.
8. Holy shit, foreign women with accents.
9. I am probably not likely to be terribly impressed by any nation. Each has its share of really absurd and stupid problems. Sure, Italians are more relaxed about life, but they're less driven, less motivated, less passionate. And sure, Americans are probably harder workers in general, but we're also workaholics with an unhealthy obsession for money and power, having idealized this notion of being "rich" and "making it." We allow our quest for material possessions to overshadow the simple quest for happiness and health. A positive psychologist's worst nightmare.
10. Venice's architecture is beautiful, but in all its grandeur, how many lives were ruined in its creation? How many lives were broken to create each church? How many buildings were used for subjugation, prejudice, and hatred? The history is fascinating, but it's also disgusting. By glossing over the ugly truths of history, we're complicit in their repetition in the present.
11. Every store in Venice is a mask store and/or a scarf store.
12. I have latched on to idle wishes and sentimentality where I must focus on practical endeavors and self-improvement.
13. Airports are the worst ever.
14. Ever.
15. Don't walk to the store in 0 degree weather and a foot of snow. It's a bad idea.
16. Venice was incredibly cool, and it was the experience of a lifetime, but not because any individual thing was gorgeous, or even because I got to get lost in the streets, but because I am tentatively learning that all places are awful in their own ways; sometimes subtle, and sometimes quite conspicuous.
17. Trying new things doesn't kill you. This one was important.
18. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was a great movie with many thoughts about the intersectionality between human experiences creating life. It also addressed very human sentiments about death, relationships, starting over, finding meaning in life, and doing what makes you happy.
19. I love who I am, and I hope I do not doubt my worth as often anymore. If I never doubt my worth, I'll become complacent and egotistical.
20. The food isn't any better in Venice. It's made from more natural ingredients, so it's arguably better for you, but as far as taste goes, their pasta is no better than ours.
21. People think I have a really good Italian accent, but I just felt like a jackass trying to blend in despite knowing just four words of the language.
22. I really want a cat.
23. Buses stop running during snow emergencies, leaving you stranded out of state.
24. Money is not worth health and sanity.
25. Life is beautiful and complicated.
I have a lot of thoughts, but it's very late, and I have a lot more processing to do. I can't help but feel as though I'm treading ever closer to a great journey. It is... Faexing.
-
Waddles
Phil loves Gravity Falls. I've spread the goodness to another soul.
So, instead of doing anything in-depth just yet, I'm going to make some general notes:
1. Everyone has rose-colored glasses for geographic locations and cultures. People don't realistically see the problems that a society has when they're in love with it.
2. Everyone in Italy smokes.
3. Everyone in Italy is far more formal and moderate than Americans. We're more extreme, either more or less eccentric than average. We're more emotive and expressive- more likely to be happy, angry, sad, etc. in public. This isn't necessarily good or bad, but I think it makes people far more boring.
4. Systems hold your hand in America for fear of accidentally leading you to believe that a stupid action is either safe or correct. Foreign lands don't seem to give a shit if you get lost because of horribly nonsensical signs and directions. Again, not necessarily good or bad, and frankly, I think America could stand to do a little less hand-holding. But the French? Oof. They're intentionally convoluted.
5. Everyone thinks they're better than everyone else. Moral of the story: We're all arrogant and pretentious fucks. We're all flawed. We're all opinionated, and we all think our opinions are best.
6. No one is fat outside of America.
7. Holy shit, foreign women are gorgeous.
8. Holy shit, foreign women with accents.
9. I am probably not likely to be terribly impressed by any nation. Each has its share of really absurd and stupid problems. Sure, Italians are more relaxed about life, but they're less driven, less motivated, less passionate. And sure, Americans are probably harder workers in general, but we're also workaholics with an unhealthy obsession for money and power, having idealized this notion of being "rich" and "making it." We allow our quest for material possessions to overshadow the simple quest for happiness and health. A positive psychologist's worst nightmare.
10. Venice's architecture is beautiful, but in all its grandeur, how many lives were ruined in its creation? How many lives were broken to create each church? How many buildings were used for subjugation, prejudice, and hatred? The history is fascinating, but it's also disgusting. By glossing over the ugly truths of history, we're complicit in their repetition in the present.
11. Every store in Venice is a mask store and/or a scarf store.
12. I have latched on to idle wishes and sentimentality where I must focus on practical endeavors and self-improvement.
13. Airports are the worst ever.
14. Ever.
15. Don't walk to the store in 0 degree weather and a foot of snow. It's a bad idea.
16. Venice was incredibly cool, and it was the experience of a lifetime, but not because any individual thing was gorgeous, or even because I got to get lost in the streets, but because I am tentatively learning that all places are awful in their own ways; sometimes subtle, and sometimes quite conspicuous.
17. Trying new things doesn't kill you. This one was important.
18. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was a great movie with many thoughts about the intersectionality between human experiences creating life. It also addressed very human sentiments about death, relationships, starting over, finding meaning in life, and doing what makes you happy.
19. I love who I am, and I hope I do not doubt my worth as often anymore. If I never doubt my worth, I'll become complacent and egotistical.
20. The food isn't any better in Venice. It's made from more natural ingredients, so it's arguably better for you, but as far as taste goes, their pasta is no better than ours.
21. People think I have a really good Italian accent, but I just felt like a jackass trying to blend in despite knowing just four words of the language.
22. I really want a cat.
23. Buses stop running during snow emergencies, leaving you stranded out of state.
24. Money is not worth health and sanity.
25. Life is beautiful and complicated.
I have a lot of thoughts, but it's very late, and I have a lot more processing to do. I can't help but feel as though I'm treading ever closer to a great journey. It is... Faexing.
-
Waddles
Phil loves Gravity Falls. I've spread the goodness to another soul.
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