So, it became really apparent by noon today that my body is used to automatically spending my spare time on Facebook, Reddit, and a few other social sites in lesser doses.
Apparent enough that I've decided to do a daily blog entry (they might be a hair smaller? I dunno') in order to fill some of this excess time I suddenly have. I suspect if this trend continues, I'll wind up deliberately picking up some basic computer programming or something. I have no idea.
On the offset, my anxieties appear to have been reduced by some 30ish percent between yesterday and today. A number of variables could be the cause of this, however, and I'm absolutely not prepared to say that I made the "correct" decision.
Regardless, it's at least important for me to experiment with this until I can find a successful method of curbing my anxiety that doesn't also destroy my body (I'm looking at you, Buspar). To that end, I've gone a bit to the extreme side of things by distancing myself from the only active social presence I am a part of. I intend to still see individual people whenever they're interested in hanging out, but I think it's time I gave myself a break. Even if it's just to see what happens.
The inability to link myself into the social flow is... stressful, but it's also incredibly calming. For the first time in a week or so, I feel like my brain is slowing down, and not out of exhaustion, but just because I'm not over-stimulating it finally.
At this point, my vague plan is to contact my psychiatrist to set up an appointment after a few days' trial of this test. I'll be able to address a number of small(ish) side-effects of the SSRIs. I'll also be able to bring up the issue of Emotional Support Animals, which will hopefully provide the loophole I and my roommate need to own a cat despite our apartment complex not being terribly accommodating of pets normally.
At that point, we'll likely re-evaluate the potential that medication can assist with my anxiety problems. While I am on the one hand hesitant to be on a number of different medications at once, it has becoming increasingly clear that the additional mental energy afforded by my reduced depression has been funneled directly into my social anxieties.
With that in mind, I also intend to push myself towards researching for graduate school again, as well as hopefully pursuing some writing (mostly just blog stuff, but maybe a novel?) on the side.I've also got an itch to join a gym once the weather stops being objectively the worst and my stomach stops having a hole in it.
I've deleted all of my text conversations.
I've disabled Facebook.
I've disabled OKCupid.
I've disabled Reddit.
I've deleted all non-essential contacts from my phone (I have 21 contacts remaining; 4 work contacts, 5 family contacts, 2 healthcare contacts, 7 contacts who are friends/roommates that I will contact in case of emergency, my landlord, and 2 professors).
I will still respond to messages sent to me, but I will immediately delete any conversation I am a part of, nor will I ever initiate contact from my phone. If you want to talk to me through the duration of this experiment, you're going to have to supply the first foot forward.
If you don't want to talk to me through the duration of this, then I'll see you on the other side~
If you're not interested in talking to me ever, then I'm sure we'll both be worse off for the lack of connection. (Also, why are you reading my blog?)
The world is beautiful and complicated, and I know that what I'm doing may inconvenience or possibly hurt others, and for that, I do truly apologize. However, this is something that I feel I need to do for myself right now. So again, if you'd like to talk to me, please be the initiator for a little while.
My number is 859-462-0638 if you don't already have it, but you should probably identify yourself if you text me, since my contact book is super empty. =D
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Wad
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