Day 3: Creating Closure

Often in life, we're afforded scarce information with which to operate. Many times, this comes as a result of people who are (or would be) important to us who do not provide explanations for their behavior.

We are not technically obligated to provide closure to anyone in the same way that we're not technically obligated not to be a total assclown to others. However, it's a respectful practice to treat others as you believe they would like to be treated (within reason). The sad truth is that we're not usually capable of empathizing with viewpoints that are highly contrary to our own. In the case of human and social interaction, this is represented often in argumentation, one-sided romances, confrontations, and other such polarizing issues. This gives us the propensity to totally miss (or misunderstand) the emotions being felt by those around us if they don't align with our expectations or desires. When we don't understand the pain others are in as a result of our behavior, we don't try to correct the behavior or apologize for the hurt we cause.

It is a deliberate and an agonizing step to think about the pain you may be inflicting with your actions. It does not reflect positively on you, and it may even bring to the surface old wounds and forgotten troubles.

So why am I such a staunch supporter of providing closure and apologizing when you've wronged someone?
I rarely tread into the branch of deontological ethics, but this is a case where I do.
I believe humans deserve certain rights regardless of circumstances. To deny someone these rights would only be possible if you were willing to face consequences.
I believe that one of these rights is the truth (if someone wants it). An unadulterated and unabridged reflection of reality, so that we can all be as informed as possible. Some people don't want this truth, which is perfectly fine. Some people select which truths they care about. Some just want validation regardless of truth. Some want truth regardless of consequences. I don't find it acceptable to withhold truth from anyone who seeks it, despite the damage it may cause, and despite the discomfort that may be felt in the conversation.


However, what I feel humans are owed is irrelevant. People are wont to do as they please provided they break no laws. The only consequences felt will be those of their own conscience in the event that they're bothered by their own actions. Otherwise? The pain you feel is negligible.

To that end, we most design ways to cope with our limited availability of information. We must create closure for ourselves. This is neither an easy task, nor one we should have to be expected to perform. It is, instead, a necessary task that we must perform in order to survive with our sanity in tact. It's likely that you are not exactly like me; I do not deal with a lack of closure well. In any capacity. I love having information- I love knowing the ins and outs of situations. I feel incomplete without being adequately informed. You may fare better. You may fare worse.
But I would say it's probably likely that you enjoy honest closure.

So, create your own. If someone is unwilling to provide you the truth, then you are at liberty to supplant your own truth to the situation (within reason).
You have a fight with your best friend and they won't tell you what was bothering them?
Turns out they had been bitten by a snake that day.

Someone close to you drops communication altogether?
Diamond smuggler caught and killed for their transgressions. You're better off without them.

Someone breaks up with you suddenly and with no apparent cause?
They left to pursue a life of pedophilia, but understandably couldn't tell you, since you'd get them arrested.


I'm exaggerating greatly the extent to which its healthy to assume negative traits of others. It's not healthy. People are complex creatures who have reasons for everything they do.
But sometimes those reasons are actualfacts selfish and thoughtless. When they're not willing to tell you the reason(s), it's because you're not important enough to them for the truth, which is itself selfish and thoughtless.
One thing that helps us to move on from a situation is to see the worst in what we've left behind, even if it's not necessarily true. Again, this isn't a healthy tactic to employ all the time, but it can be very effective, and sometimes you are given no other choice. Some people cannot let a story go without closure. The alternative to a closure that makes you feel good (true or false) is one that makes you feel worse (whether true or false). If you are refused the truth, then you might as well make yourself feel better.

The guy that left you while you were out of the country, but continued to talk to you like you were still together? He was actually a callous asshat who didn't realize the damage he was causing.

The girl who asked you out to drinks as a way to get you to pick her up from a bad date? She was actually a selfish user.

The guy who convinced you that he had moved on from you so quickly to the point that he had already gotten engaged with another woman? The guy who did that just to see what would happen? He was actually a completely oblivious and morally vacuous heap of trash.

No one has the right to hurt you and not tell you why if they were close to you.
Demand the truth from them. If they refuse you, create an applicable truth that will make you feel better. (Just don't act on that truth. That can land you in legal and moral hot water)

To clarify, I want to make sure I'm not suggesting it's acceptable to demand explanations of behavior from people you barely know or just met; but someone who's been a relatively significant part of your life to that point; someone who would have been likely to consider you a friend or more. When we don't offer the truth and closure to these people, we're truly being the worst friends possible.

It's a complicated issue, and I don't mean to make it sound quite so black-and-white/simple. But I do think all people should be able to expect honesty as an innate right if they desire it.