Objects and subjects

- Courtesy of threewordphrase

This is a short blogpost on the topic of romance, so if you don't wanna' hear about that stuff:
A. Leave.
B. Too bad.
C. Refer back to points A and B.


Now then, as a hormonally-driven male for _____ years, I've discovered some necessary truths about myself, my relationships, and the functioning "private" world around me. This has been aided by some fantastic interpersonal psychology lessons throughout college.

First, on the agenda:
Objects-
We often hear some varying comments about humans being objects, intentional or otherwise:
"The object of my affections."
"Pornography objectifies women."
"Humans aren't objects. They are not a means to an end, but rather, an end to themselves."

The first is just a common saying that we don't often think about, the second two are comments with a moral value about how we ought to treat other humans.

The interesting thing is that choosing to be an object makes many people happy. Have you ever sent a lover pictures of yourself? Have you ever wished someone would fantasize about you? Strictly speaking, that is objectification. And it feels good. People like to be objectified when it's their choice. Have you ever had a one night stand? Shamelessly flirted with someone because you needed a pick-me-up? You've objectified someone else now. However, both of these situations are still mutual, so there's no disadvantaged party (unless the flirting leads to someone feeling led on... Then you've got a situation).

Being objectified can feel awesome. Objectifying someone else can be just as thrilling. Just try to make sure both parties know what's going on.

This brings us back to the quote on pornography. Yes. Yes, it absolutely objectifies women. Women who voluntarily seek objectification in exchange for payment. It is their job to be an object with whom you will never have a real connection.
This is not, however, unique to pornography or stripping or other lust-based professions. Indeed, you're paying to objectify someone when you:
See a movie
Watch TV
View a sports match
Read a book
Play video games

It's true, these satisfy various other, non-sexual desires, however, you're still creating a one-way entertainment satisfaction trade in which you connect with no one and you're satisfying a desire.
(Yes, you can bond with people who are also doing the activity, but you could technically do that with pornography or strip clubs, and that is completely not the point I'm getting at)

The real statement you're trying to make when you say that pornography objectifies women is more like, "Pornography objectifies women in a way that is generalized by people who view pornography such that they believe women are nothing but objects." Or, in short, pornography does more harm than good to society. Which may or may not be a viable criticism. However, it's a viable criticism that could be made of many forms of entertainment. The problem is that we're in a Capitalist nation and if there's a demand for something and someone is willing to supply it, you have a viable product and the consequences must be met and dealt with on their own terms.


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Subjects- This is the idealization for relationships we have in this country. It should all be about romance and love. If a relationship breaks down for lack of physical attraction, you're just shallow. If it breaks down because of sex, you're only interested in using your partner.

Treating someone as a subject is all about focusing on their (and mutual) wants and needs and creating a dynamic with them. To have a real conversation with a person and to listen, engage, and respond is to treat them as a subject (as they are treating you as a subject). This is comparable to someone who may just be looking to vent to someone for a few minutes, treating them as an object.

Both have their place in the world, but we don't often talk about the good or importance behind objectification compared to subjectification (see, look- subjectification isn't even a real word according to Firefox!), so I'll stop talking about subjects and get back to the bigger picture-


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Here's where I breakdown relationships into three fundamental 'attractions' or 'connections.' These are the three basic ways in which you can connect with another human being:
Physical attraction (object-centered)
Sexual attraction (object and subject-centered
Emotional attraction (subject-centered)

Physical attraction is the simplest. It is merely whether or not you are attracted to the physical appearance and physical lifestyle of your partner. This ranges from whether you're attracted to their skeletal structure to their particular hairstyle at any given time, to even their hygiene. Physical attraction is incredibly important because it sets the mood for whether or not you physical enjoy being around another person.
If someone is perfect for you, but they never shower, you're not likely to physically enjoy being in their presence even if you do emotionally enjoy it.

Sexual attraction is more complicated, but still fits into a narrow array of issues. Do you want to have an intimate relationship with this person? Are your urges the same? Do your libidos coordinate? Do you have compatible fetishes? Do you actively enjoy the sex life you have with this person?
All important questions on sexual attraction.
To give an example, two people may be otherwise in love, but they're both dominating personalities in bed who absolutely detest or fear the idea of being submissive sexually. This could throw a wrench into their entire relationship simply because their sexual compatibility is relatively low.
Does one partner want sex every day while the other never wants sex? Another relationship-crushing problem not to be ignored.

Finally, we have the most complex connection-
Emotional attraction. This one is tricky since it ranges from humor to intellect to hobbies, tastes, personality types, and a whole host of other issues. Luckily, emotional attraction is also usually the most flexible. You don't need to like all of the same hobbies in order to be emotionally attracted to someone. The more emotionally compatible you are with a person, the more likely you are to have fun with a person all the time. This is because the person can typically make you laugh and share topics of conversation easily while also knowing your psychological nuances enough to avoid upsetting you or hurting you. Emotional attraction is also the most fluid of the connections. It's not difficult to get someone to like a hobby of yours usually, but it can be very difficult to get someone to change what they're physically attracted to.


These three work tirelessly in tandem to help a relationship function as smoothly as possible. While it is debatable that you need all three to have a successful relationship, there can be no doubt that having all three will make you happier no matter the circumstances. Being able to connect with someone in new and unexpected ways is exhilarating and enjoyable.


You need to understand the balance between the three connections, recognizing and agreeing when one connection is needed or important.
When you're going out to dinner, perhaps your physical and emotional attractions are most important. While watching a movie, maybe it's your sexual and emotional attractions.
And when you had a long night and just need someone to talk to, it's just emotional.
But then you head to bed for the night and it's physical and sexual that matter.

Find your balance and make sure to have these discussions with your partner(s). Don't just be an object or a subject. Without objectification, you lose out on a lot of passion and fun. Without subjectification, you lose out on respecting your partner and, frankly, enjoying their presence.

Balance and understanding!

-
Waddles